Back in the blog seat for lent

Hey loyal readers!

IThere are two main reasons I've not blogged in a while.
My life seems to revolve around two main things.
Work and Wedding.
Firstly it probably wouldn't be very professional of me to share the stories of my job, the families I work with don't deserve that, neither does the church. I'm not saying that in many years time my "call the Midwife" style memoirs won't be interesting but its not something I can generally blog about day to day.
The wedding again has two reasons for why I haven't been bloging about it. You as the reader will fit into one of two categories. Either you are invited to the wedding so I don't want to ruin the specialness of the day by boring you with all the details - like how many kg of fish gravel I currently own, or the palaver of trying to get hold of enough glasses. Both of which are funny stories, so there may be a "50 things I've learnt in planning a wedding" blog after the event. The second group of you are not invited - and you will know by now if you are in that group (sorry!) I don't want to bore you with an event you can't come to. You may think that you won't get bored, but I can talk non stop about my wedding - just ask my fiancé!

Getting out of the blog seat regularly means that I haven't done my usual round up of the year, so in a sentence or two...
2014 was a year of settling and preparing. Obviously with the momentous engagement in the middle.
I was in my house, getting established at work, knitted lots, painted a room or two and went to Rome - and got to give out the bread in communion which was very special.

I'm bloging today to announce my very exciting lent blog series - which currently has three rough blogs in my head. The series will be exploring what lent means to me this year. I'm not committing to blog every week, and I'm not using the MWiB lent reflections like last year - the 2015 ones can be found here if you want to have a go.
But I am going to share small amounts as I prepare for Easter as a married women.

So bring on lent!

Tradition vs feminism

So I've been engaged a whole week, and I don't think I've ever made so many decisions in such a short amount of time. Nor spent so much time either on the phone or with my parents since I lived with them. Even Fiancé has called his Mum about three times this week.

We've also had different reactions from people. Fiancé has had more friends arrange to go out and celebrate with him, whereas I've had more cards - addressed to us both but sent to me. But he's had money in cards, whereas I haven't. 

I've pondered a bit over gender differences this week. 

So here's the thing. I'm a bit of a feminist.
I told someone I was a feminist a few months ago, her response was to check I was still with my boyfriend.  I replied yes, and so she said I wasn't much of one then.
Obviously thinking all feminists are lesbians!
I'm not going into to my equality rant right now, about why I'm a feminist, you just need to know I am.

I'm also quite traditional.
It was me who told Fiancé I expected him to ask my Dad's permission. 
I expect Dad to walk me down the aisle and present me.
I'm a little sad my Mum's name and occupation won't be on my wedding certificate.

This has been the balance in my head all week.
There has been a couple of moments when I've thought and possibly even said,  I want ... and I'm the bride.
The whole debate about which church we get married in, came down to this as well, really. Though practicalities won in the end.

Maybe I want an equal marriage and a traditional wedding. Is that me wanting it all. Having my cake and eating it? What a funny phrase that is. Of course you eat the cake you have, otherwise what is the point of having cake.

I don't have answers, just yet, and I think its something I'll reflect on over and over during the next 8 months of planning - oh yeah, we have a date!

Any thoughts, comments, ideas, ponderings and support gratefully received.

This is it

When I was about 6 or 7 I went to a ballet class, and we did a show that was called "this is it" with a title song to match. We have it on video somewhere. 

This blog is it. The blog I've wanted to write for many years. The one people have been expecting when I've given other news.

It is the same with phone calls. When I was given my note to preach in feb 2010 I rang my family excited about starting the Local Preacher journey.  They were surprised I wasn't ringing to announce my engagement!

But now I am. Our families have been rung / emailed, we are facebook official and this is it, the blog of how he finally did it.

My Fiancé and I have been together for just over 5 and a half years. Meeting at a train station for MYC back in 2007 and getting together a year and a day later (via Msn) in 2008.

Years have passed and life has moved us around a bit,  but we are now at a point where we can actually see us building a life together.

Friday 4th July dawned a grey morning, after originally making plans to walk up a hill and have a picnic we decided to scrap the picnic and just take some cake with us.

As with every other time we go anywhere I'd asked Boyfriend if he was going to propose,  and if he had a ring. Replying no to both, we went off for this 2 mile walk to a little towery thing near where I live.

I made some comment about halfway up the hill if he was going to keep suggesting walks knowing I'd say yes if I thought he might propose on them. He likes walking more than I do.

We got to the top and looked at the old, now covered well, and the tower and worked out which towns and cities we could see before sitting on the bench to eat cake and take photos to prove I walked somewhere. 

Unbeknown to me, when Boyfriend got the phone out of the bag to take said pictures he also moved the ring into his hoody pocket.

Sitting back next to me on the bench he said some beautiful things, something along the lines of, you are beautiful, and amazing, and will make a wonderful wife and I love you. 
To which I replied "that would make a good proposal speech"
Next thing I know he's down on one knee with the ring out.

For someone who has wanted this very moment for years, and even thought about how to respond,  I was speechless,  shocked and said oh.
I took the ring out of the box and asked him to put it on my finger.
We kissed. And it was only a minute or so later that I realised I hadn't said yes yet. I checked with Fiancé this was the case, which it was and gave my affirmative answer.
This was when the shock of it actually happening hit me and we sat down, and took the photo of the ring before the walk home, and the visit to my mum.

So this is it.
I'm engaged!

Just watch out as this is when I become a wedding bore or worse a bridezilla.

Thanks for journeying with me so far.

Your newly fiancéed friend.

8-ish things I've learnt from my relationship

I should probably start by saying this isn't a Lent blog. So if you are expecting butterflies instead I'm sorry to disappoint you, but that will be written some point this week don't worry.

This blog started as a throw away comment to a friend after another all-to-regular phone call about my car accident about 18 months ago. My friend commented I was being amazingly patient, so I replied 'I was well practiced and that maybe I could blog, "how not having sex helps me put up with repetitive phone calls."'

You'll notice that is not what this blog is called but its where I started.

Let's start with some confessions.

• As usual I don't have answers, just more questions. But I hope to share some of my wisdom I've learnt along the way.
• Me and Boyfriend have been together 64 months and 2days today, that’s almost 5 and a half years.
• I'm a virgin. As is Boyfriend.
• There are probably many complex and deep reasons for the choices and decisions Boyfriend and I have made along the way that have got us to this point. I am by no means going to go into all of those, but here are a few things I've learnt, or what I think about things.

The L word is a big deal.

I blogged on this recently. This first time it's said it is a big deal, but it should continue to be. 'I love you' should be said as often as possible and with feeling. It doesn't have to be those exact words. For example when my dad calls me plonker at the end of a phone conversation I know he loves me.

Rules and boundaries make everything simpler in the long run

You may laugh but Boyfriend and I have a number of rules that make life simpler. Some are practical way of working long distance - if a phone call gets cut off for some reason the person who made the initial phone call is the one who rings again. The same works for setting physical boundaries - if you make them beforehand you don't end up being very confused and both getting each other's answer phone.

The important part is the communication to check rules still work. Early on it was easier to change rules, now it sometimes seems we do things because 5 years ago we thought it was a good idea. At the beginning we looked at what was ok for us then, and what we thought would be ok when we were engaged and then when married. I don't think 20 year old me thought we wouldn't be married by 25, but here we are. So revisiting rules and checking why we think and do or don't do certain things is important.

Love languages are so important

Having come across GaryChapman's love languages many years ago now, I think they show a lot about how we interact. The 5 languages are; touch, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time. Knowing both your own and that of your partner is vital to a healthy and stable love life.

Getting involved in their world

Trust is such an important part of any relationship. It can be more difficult in long distance. Jealously is something I've had to learn to deal with. Boyfriend has close female friends, one of the silly examples of when I've been jealous for no reason was just before my 21st birthday when Boyfriend was late home and I complained, only to find out, later, his friend was helping him print, cut and place the photo that lives in my locket I got for that birthday from Boyfriend.

My advice is become a part of their world; meet their friends, get to visit the places they spend their time, so you can picture where they are. Part of it may have been for selfish reasons, to warn others off, but mostly about seeing your partner in all that they are.

Patience is key

When people talk to me about patience, they sometimes mean sex, which I'll come to, but actually it's about other things for me. Waiting for Boyfriend to propose so I we can plan myour wedding. At the moment it's the living together that I'm wanting, someone to cook for, someone to come home to.

Long distance in itself teaches a lot about patience. We have been known to go up to eight (well somewhere between six and 10 we can’t actually remember) weeks without seeing each other face to face - technology obviously helps, but as touch is the primary love language for both of us, a skype chat, though lovely, is not a cuddle.

So I've learnt to be patient.

To answer my throw away comment, long distance, not waiting, is what has taught me most about patience.

Then there is sex

My mum's version of sex ed as I was growing up was "you'll wait till you're married won't you." It certainly wasn't really a question. So very early on, maybe even just before we actually got together we decided we'd wait till we got married to have sex. That was our decision for what was best for us. We have many friends who have taken different stances on this, and if that works for them then what does that have to do with anyone else. Though you are the one who's got this far in what is a very self indulgent blog about my relationship.

Maybe it's because I'm female, because I've had friends who are amazed Boyfriend has survived this long.

We aren't having sex because it's not important,  but because it is.

Maybe it's a pride thing now.

Being the good kids in a culture saturated with sex, is not always easy. But for us I think it's worthwhile. Part of  the decision is based on the belief that sex belongs in marriage. Yes the Bible teaches about adultery, which I read as sex should be within a union between two people, which is preferably marriage.

My view on marriage

For me, marriage is a journey, and on that journey different things are right at different times. In Doctor Who, the Doctor and River Song's lives are going in opposite directions. His first kiss is her last. After that in her lifetime was before that in his, so it was too early for him to kiss her.

Sex is an important part of the marriage relationship, and it has to start at some point. Facebook tells almost all of my friends, and man acquaintances that I'm in a relationship, a wedding will actually show less people my declaration of love for Boyfriend. But it's about the promises, to one other person forever,  in front of God.

In the same way we don't live together, and even when we did it was only for 3 months and we had separate space. Though to go off on that tangent, I understand the try before you buy mentality. When boyfriend moved in it was a decision and a balance between ethics and ideals with practicalities. It's good to know we can cope being in the same house though. 

Marriage is the whole package. Linking body, mind, soul, and bank account. Its making the decisions together, having someone to snuggle up with and watch a film after a rough day and someone to fall asleep in the arms of..

My last piece of advice if you can call any of this that, is be yourselves.

Be true to you and your relationship.

The Long Goodbye

Today was another goodbye! You may recall a year ago I was getting ready to leave, started saying my goodbyes and then circuit meeting decided to keep me, I was called to stay. But now, I really am on the move.

I’ve been putting off writing this blog for ages. This is blog number 99 and I wanted 100 to be special which meant not writing the one before it as then the next one had to be something important. Then I got offered a job! Which could have been blog 100 but I hadn’t written 99! I decided this evening it was about time I got back in my blog seat and update you on what is going on.

Tonight was my last youth fellowship at one of my new churches. It’s a church I love to pieces. The members there care about the children and young people and I feel valued and loved when I work with them. It is sad that today was my last evening with them.

When I got home I found a card from a couple at the Church I live closest too and preached at last Sunday.  They thanked me for my service, the address as well as the choice of hymns. They wished me well in my future. At church this morning a few people asked me about when I was leaving, and were relieved they would see me again before I go.

The next few months are full of working, packing, sorting, and hopefully buying a house – but more about that another time.

For now I’m just starting to say goodbye, the beginning of the end of this six year chapter. Thank you loyal blog reading for journeying on with me as life changes and all seems to be new again.

And as for my new job, more on that in due course. 

Money Money Money

Before I start I should say that I blog about things I think about. This one might not say much, but blogging is the best way I know to get my thoughts to make sense. So this is a selfish blog for that reason. But if you are nosey and want to know what I’ve been thinking about money then please read on.

I went to see Mamma Mia in London, and the programme confused us as the songs were written in alphabetical order rather than order of performance in the musical, and I remember being very confused during the interval as I’d heard Money Money Money but not Gimme Gimme Gimme (a man after midnight).

Anyway, silly story aside, I’ve been thinking about money a lot recently. My Church is having a month on finance, and I’ve been having some money issues of my own. Now I must state before I start that I’ve never been without money, I just happen to have most of my savings hidden in an ISA and am loathed to have to remove them. As you may know I had a couple of car accidents last year which has meant paying out excesses, though the first one I’ve had back and the second is currently waiting on next month’s credit card bill. I’m also loathed to use said credit card but at the moment it seems to be a necessary evil, and as long as my expenses come back from work – which I banked today, I can get it paid off straight away. The fact I’m owed an increment in my pay is another story all together and that’s all down to HQ far away so that adds to the fun.

What I have currently is a cash flow problem, its stopping me from doing some of the things that I usually take for granted – trips to the chippy for example. I’m not poor, but my savings are there so I can hopefully and eventually buy a house.

Yesterday at my youth group we were talking about tithing, the act of giving 10% of income away, whether that be charity or the church. I’ve recently stopped giving to some of the charities I support, though know I need to increase my giving to my church – I go to circuit meeting, I understand the budget, and I know how much my expenses are.

I

’ve always been someone who prefers an extra jumper to a heater, but I think at the moment – and since Dad set me up a spreadsheet so that I can forecast months into the future I’m a bit more wary of how I spend my money. I’m nowhere near poor, this is totally a 1^st world problem, but these are big decisions to make. One activity the Minister is doing as he goes round the House groups (spoiler alert) and the Youth Fellowship was if you were leaving your house for good in an emergence / disaster what 10 items would you put in a carrier bag. Some of them would be practical, torch, radio, others are sentimental – teddy, poems, and a further third category for me were about keeping control, every plan may have changed in my diary but I’d still like to know what day it was and also to mark off key events in my journal.

When Boyfriend and I started dating I paid for a lot of the stuff, I was working and he wasn’t. Sometimes I’d hand him the money and he’d pay, other times we would split the bill. It never bothered me paying more than him. Now it’s strange, with both of us working full time sometimes he treats me, especially when it’s something that needs small change – those tips really help when you need money for parking.  I’m getting used to being the one not paying all the time. Though I earn more my house is more expensive, my bills are on top and his are included. Though one day we’ll have a joint bank account and only 1 set of bills, but that’s a different issue altogether.

I don’t have answers, just thoughts. I want to use my money wisely, I don’t want to save it for the sake of saving. Big questions.


PS - this week did a couple of guest blogs at www.mwib.org.uk 

Ode to a youth event

This isn’t an Ode, but “Essay to a youth event” doesn’t have the same ring to it. It is however a very long self indulgent blog, so really don’t feel you have to read it all, but if you want to please do, or just add your own memories of the past few youth weekends.

Yesterday was the end of an era.

Not sure I would describe it is as the end of a chapter as I don’t think my life works quite like that – as so much would overlap. And it’s not the end, but that’s another story .

Disclaimer! This is going to be full of Methodist Jargon – I will try to explain as I go along and may also be repeating stories I’ve told before, but sometimes you have to hear everything together.

Firstly, it was my birthday last week, that is important – but I’m not going to focus on that today, another blog there too.

When I started writing this blog I was sitting watching Strictly and eating take away (which I paid for despite it being Boyfriend’s turn to cook!) Yes, I thought I’d tell you as it’s always nice to know there is a happy ending. But I’m going to start my story about 11 years ago. The weekend of my 13^th birthday. Donkey Derby was my first link to MAYC (as it was then) and Connexional Methodism, with the youth weekend. 

Skipping forward to summer 2006, a very important conversation happened as someone turned up at my front door trying to persuade me to go to Methodist Youth Conference (MYC). If I’d decided not to bother I think know my life would have been completely different. You’ll see!

So November 2006 a week after my 18^th birthday I went off to Norwich in a car with two lads from my district. My memories include a youth pres in bright trousers, discussions on the Godfrey Report – with the exec members taking their tops on and off a lot! The posh meal on the Saturday night, lending an ecumenical rep my towel, sleeping on a school floor – and getting quite a bit of sleep. Being supported to go for exec – by lovely district boys. Hustings with questions about potatoes and streetlights, being voted on – and the moment the returning officer came to tell me I’d been voted in, the funny moment in the handover when the VP muscled in, and talking to the new youth pres on the stairs queuing for lunch.

5 exec meetings (including the legendary car journey with step by step 2 and the Save Methodist Youth Work petition...) and some YPS reference group meetings later and we were on the way to Cardiff. This was also the start of my fairytale. This was where I met Boyfriend; due to others being delayed I was the first to arrive at the station where I first saw him – he’d seen me a year earlier during Hustings in the big chairs that made me look even smaller than I am. That weekend is a blur of spending hours at the station, finishing the presentation about the YPS for the next morning – which included Harry Potter - and discussions that led to DYEs being suggested as a name for the employed people. There was pizza, worship, business, I even remember being told of by the chair for not being in the right place. This was the year we didn’t vote for a Youth Pres and gained 5 new exec members – most of which were new boys – rather than the experienced girls we were expecting.

Another year of Youth Exec meetings, Breakout, and speaking at Big Conference just before the big YPS vote.

Northampton was the last ever MYC. A strange event for many reasons. For one boyfriend and I got together less than a week earlier and no one knew. Little exec sister had made me a shell cake that those in the office enjoyed. The vote for the new Youth Pres was very close and was tricky for the exec to vote for – being between two of our own. We had workshops; I ran the “understanding MYC” session 3 times, as the first one started an hour early so had to do two more at the designated times. We launched the campaign for the Methodist Nunnery – as the mock resolution. My teddy sat on the main desk. And all of the exec girls (except maybe the new Youth Pres) and probably some of the lads cried through worship as we were the last ever exec. There was also lots of dancing that year, the returning officer was disappointed cos there was no custard and the exec all got dressed up very smart –the pampering in one of the girls’ rooms was great fun. I was driven to and from this weekend and was grilled on the way home about my relationship that was now out in the open.

It was at this point I decided that I needed some time out, so I took myself off the YPS reference group. The summer of 2009 I was asked if I would co-run the detached youth work team at Breakout the following summer and help facilitate at the first Youth Assembly (MYA). This led to some late night driving across England for the planning weekend of Durham.

Mid November arrived and so did more floods, but my car half full of delegates – as others wouldn’t come as their parents didn’t trust my car to get us to Durham –we did fine,  arrived late Friday evening at Durham. I must say this weekend is probably the low of the story. I know some young people enjoyed it, but it felt like a backward step – looking back what we had done was thrown the baby out with the bath water, wanting to move away from MYC to something new we lost something. This event also included tears, these more in frustration. Due to no one’s fault we didn’t have a full time youth pres to preside over the event, so much of it was adult led, the youth pres elections were very complicated and I remember a number of us were annoyed there was no grace at mealtimes! We learnt a lot that year. There were good moments too – late on the Saturday when the 18pluses who were staying on site (as many had to be put into a local hotel as the event was over booked accidentily) we ate ginger birthday cake out of a glass bowl, and talked about the usual Methodist geeky stuff.

Then we came to Breakout 2010 – another last. Though me and Oggy had a fab weekend with the Linkies, many of my memories were from the campsite rather than the event grounds, but one memory that will last a life time is when we turned the orchard into my late night garden, with tea lights in jam jars and LED balloons. It was truly special, the conversations, the games, the whole experience. All too soon the event was over and it was then that I was done with volunteering for the Methodist Church for a while.

MYA 2010 in Swindon was my first since 2006 that I didn’t have a job.  I missed having the office to hang out in, but I didn’t miss the stress. The train journey had been interesting.  The highlights included spontaneous and slightly rebellious worship that the VP’s Husband joined us for. I’m pretty sure this was a cry-free year! This was the first time I felt old - I had just graduated and being in a session about the future with 16 year olds was tricky. I also remember sitting in a window on a value continuum about Presidency. This was the first year we trialed the voting pads – who wants to be a millionaire style, and the team forgot Wales existed. I went this year wanting to be good enough that I wouldn't have to go again if I didn’t want to. After Durham I felt like we’d ruined MYC and replaced it with something worse, however after Swindon I knew there was still work to do, but that it would be as good (while being totally different) if not better than MYC.

Fast forward another 12 months and 3Generate (3Gen) was born  - the new name for Children and Youth assembly, starting at the age of 9 and going up to 23. So off we went to Ludlow railway station for a new way of working – this time as a member of the 18+ stream – and still not volunteering, but with a very different and distinct role- as the girlfriend of a Youth Pres candidate. I arrived late after a train journey that involved ukulele worship and so we missed the evening worship to eat food. I remember not sleeping well due to one room mate (mentioning no names – well not that I ever do, but you know) snored both nights. The sessions were challenging and I still have the final evaluation on my fridge, challenging me to be real – something I was challenged on in the preaching session and I meant to look into what I can do about Poverty. However my big thing that came out of that weekend, which led to me crying through most of worship including getting communion off the district chair who very delicately held my hand for a little longer than normal when handing me the bread and scaring an OPP as she handed me the wine, was planning for the future. Due to the fact Boyfriend did not become Youth Pres 2012/3 the future had been thrown open once again, at this point neither of us had a job past April. It was the next day that he started his Christmas temp job at his local pizza making restaurant. Just like to say what fab chaplains we have!

It was just after this that I decided I’d had enough years off and was ready to once again volunteer for the event. So I joined the 18+ planning group. I was also invited as a youth worker to join the 8-17s consultation group, as this was the new way of getting the children and young people to plan the event.

So Friday finally rolled up and off I went to get a bus, 2 trains and a minibus to somewhere not very far from a place I used to call home. After checking in, being shown to my room by a hansome steward, designing a mug, finding some tea it was time to go to the all2gether and be2gether, the funky names for the opener for everyone and worship, we were in gen groups – I was facilitator of gen group 26! (Which has just occurred to me that that was something we’ve played with over years - like the dinner tables at Durham, and is something that was very MYC.) After that we watched some of Children in Need, then bed!

Saturday started with me getting up first, having a shower and making a cup of coffee before breakfast, where I had cereal! Then me and my co-worship leader led worship and I did the longest notices ever and we played human bingo with a twist. We heard Mumford and Sons sing I will wait, and I believe the aim was for us to think about us waiting on God, but for me the night before I’d kinda been winded by God’s presence – just like whoosh! Wow God is here! So for me was like God singing I will wait to me, that he’s always there waiting for me to engage, not intrusive but patiently waiting for me, for us to want to be with him. This was followed by a very interesting session about living sustainably and everyone I’ve spoken  to about what they were taking away from the weekend who talked about the input mentioned this session. The video about the no impact man was so incredible, could you imagine not using lifts, trains, the tv for a whole year? Apparently it brought the family closer together, but wasn’t always easy.  After the bacon butty break we got into the cohabitation session, this again was really interesting discussing our definition of cohabitation and looking at some case studies, obviously with such a topic you have to be careful with what you say, unfortunately Boyfriend (who was leading this session) told everyone I couldn’t enter the quiz as ‘I’ve already done it with her.’ The laughter started when someone realised what he said and it slowly went around the room with me getting redder and redder. After this was lunch – a rather unappetising chicken casserole. After that it was time to set up for the justice village, when one of my MWiB friends came to join me to talk to young people about Children Unite, to get people to sign gloves, draw around their hands and find out more about child domestic workers. This did mean I missed grill the youth pres candidates’ session.

After setting down the justice village I arrived a few minutes late to the relationships sofa chat. It was great that young people can share experiences, questions and confusion while throwing a duck around the room. A nice chat with the expert facilitator about another event I had seen him at was very helpful, and then off to tea which was very quiet as we were eating later than the younger groups. Then there was a session that never happened followed by a chat about the day, which led to conversations slightly later about how we adapt the event to what people want. We left the room so that some people could pray and had time to chat with people before it was time to go on the bouncy slide / assault course, where I raced twice without my glasses and came 2^nd both times –out of 2, with my competitor finishing before I’d even got to start the last climbing wall / slide. I also hurt my hip.

After this the exciting late night chats happened, a group choosing not to go to worship but instead try and tease out what we thought God was saying about what we had to do – in this case using our passion as a form of discernment, pushing on doors to see if things were possible. Thats all I’ll say now but things are afoot. I went to bed late after staying up till Boyfriend was allowed to go to bed then late night chats in our bedroom, about boys, the day, voting, Methodism, and other such things you’d expect in a girls dorm.

Sunday morning felt very early, we stripped beds, packed, saw a beautiful view over the misty lakes and got our cooked breakfast J. Then it was time for voting, before going off to our own 18+ room for the final session about PEGs – Personal reflections on the weekend, what we are going to take to our home church Environment and how that is all held together by God the hinge. The planning team then read the evaluation forms, seeing what we thought we had totally planned was not understood the way we saw it, but hey, that event management for you.

Closing worship was fab, time in our Gen Groups looking at the covenant prayer, that I know I’ve blogged on before, and I only very nearly cried once – when asked what I had taken from the weekend. And communion in mixed groups which meant I got to sit between two good friends, one who gave me the bread and the other the wine – as I was opposite the chaplain who had started with both. Worship over it was time for food, and the long goodbyes. I also went in hunt of my mug, that I had to go though the bin to get back. We left the venue on a bus of friends, got the 3 trains back, and even though it was 9 minutes late we made our first connection as the train we needed was behind it! I got Hot Chocolate at the station I hate the most, and then walked very fast across local city to get the bus, and home about 6ish! Boyfriend who I’d told had to cook tea as he got home an hour before me decided we would order take away. My mum rang and I mumbled about being tired down the phone at her, so she said she’d ring another time, and I went off to bed. Shattered after a very long but amazing 6 year journey.

If you have made it to this point then you deserve a medal! At 2828 words this is my longest blog ever I’d think. I assume if you’ve got this far you are part of the journey somewhere so thank you got your part and here’s to the future, cos you never know what might happen next!

Him, Me, Us

               Having a boyfriend for a housemate has enabled me to learn much about myself, him and us. Today I've spent time with Aunty/Godmother, Uncle and 3 youngest cousins (can’t say littlest as they are all taller than me now).  While we were out I left them in a charity shop while I ran off to a future brand to buy boyfriend new socks. Now this is the first time I can think of that I've bought boyfriend clothing for necessity – rather than as a present. I commented on this to Aunty when I returned after successfully purchasing socks – though still waiting to see if Boyfriend likes them. I’m now obviously in a grown up relationship!

                I've just got back from Sweden (which is what I kinda assumed today’s blog would be about) but I’m not really going to tell you about that today. When I was away though Boyfriend has had some big decisions to make – similar to deciding to take current job which is why he came housemate too while I was at Soul Survivor. This time it was the consequences of a phone call that probably happened while I was in the air to ask if he wanted to look around a house! I know he wished I’d been around this week, in the same way I feel when at Christian events and it feels like God is doing big stuff – Boyfriend is such a big part of me that he should be there. Boyfriend does seem to make big decisions about life when we aren't together – we got together after a weekend of soul searching and big questions at Tresaith – when I was having similar thoughts at a youth weekend. Like I said the interview was when I was in Stafford and now a house while I was in Sweden – maybe if I go away for longer he’ll decide to marry me!

                We had a very weekendy weekend a couple of weeks ago. Saturday started with a mad rush to find a postbox to send my Grandad a 70^th birthday card. The afternoon included a trip to the supermarket, a diy shop and a fabric shop, and boyfriend cleaned the kitchen.

                I’m very lucky to have a boyfriend who puts up with my stress, last night my car wasn't starting and he just sat there rubbing my back and offering me garlic bread! I love being an ‘us’ with him. It’s funny for years we've mocked our friends who have lived near each other who couldn't cope with a few days apart and I don’t think we have turned into them, but it was very nice to be back in his arms yesterday after just 80ish hours apart. It will be interesting to find a new normal with him living nearby but not just in the other room. Living together has taught me a lot about us, it’s made me even more certain that boyfriend is the one I want to spend my life with.  We complement each other, him chopping, me cooking, him washing up, me putting away, though we are both messy – he blames me, but if it really bothered him he’d tidy it! I’m bossy and he’s dealing with that, he’s laid back and I’m dealing with that. I’ve learnt he can’t do mornings, so not to expect breakfast in bed, he’s learnt that when I’m tired I’m no use to anyone, not to annoy me when I’m driving and I've learnt not to bother moving the shower head any lower cos it’s just a waste of time. He has though come round to my way of putting the toilet paper on the holder.

                It’s going to be strange when he’s moved out, living alone again, but this time I know it’s not forever, cos one day we’ll move in together, for good. 

impulsive or indecisive

I’ve always had issues making decisions. Mostly because I am indecisive, but also because I’ve grown up in a society where I can have it all – or at least one of a number of options. However when I have made a decision I stick to it, and then generally make it happen straight away.

Let me give you an example. When shopping for food I like to know in advance what I’m going to be eating, and over time I’ve got favourites and regular meals, so now it’s really easy to pick up what I need. When shopping with Boyfriend the other week it took longer as he kept adding options – usually to make it cheaper, but it meant I had to rethink and re-decide.

Yesterday I decided that I was going to have half term off – as there is currently nothing in my diary (which I know as I plotted my wall planner over a week ago now) and that I was going to go to Sweden. After being a bit jealous that I wasn’t taking him with me Boyfriend commented that I was impulsive. Now I don’t think that I am, he just hasn’t seen my thought process over the past year. Ever since I got back from South Africa I’ve been working out where I can fly to next. I love flying as it’s the only form of transport that I don’t get sick on. I also enjoyed going to the Paralympics as I got to go through the airport style security. And now I have a passport I am ready to go! Also about a year ago Best Friend moved to Sweden for University, and I’ve been saying that I’d like to visit her – add to that the fact I missed her in the summer when she was in the UK cos I was shattered and ill. So really it makes logical sense, it’s just that someone who hasn’t been through the year long thought process and just saw me yesterday where I decided to book flights to Sweden and did.

It is because I am rubbish at making decisions that when I do I run with it and make it happen. So maybe I am impulsive, but I think it’s just cos I’m indecisive first.

after bump thoughts - control, perception and lying

Firstly and most importantly I am fine.

Here are just some of my thoughts – possibly three blogs worth but I’ll see where I get to – from being in a car accident.

I’ve had a phone call today saying that my car is being stripped down to check for internal damage, and if its bad they could be writing my car off – so maybe bump was an understatement.

I’ve spent much of the past few days telling people I’m not injured, companies ringing me up asking me about my claim. If I’ve told them once I’ve told them at least seven times now. I’ve been taught not to lie. We live in a culture that is all about blame. I’ve been told many times that the other driver has taken the blame – which as I was stationary and he went into the back of me isn’t really disputable, and that it is good he is to blame. Funny you can find good things about the guy who drove into me. Though, to be honest he was a lovely guy and was very nice, though think my shaking scared him a little bit.

After the bump, I found a road around the corner and waiting there for my parents to arrive, while I rang the insurers and started the process. Then we drove, with Brother now in my car with me back to theirs. Most of the journey Mum and Dad followed me in their car, just to check the back wasn’t about to fall off my car, or something like that! When they weren’t and as I drove to the garage the next day I was very aware of what others might think of my car, and therefore of me – will they think I’m a bad driver. I’ve been thinking about make up recently (don’t worry there is a link). Make up is something generally girl wear, and it’s not really about how they see themselves, as they can’t see it, its similar with hair styles, though of course with longer hair it is easier to see – and I know I like it when I can see the blue in my hair as my hair is a decent length. So its not about how we look, but how we are seen and therefore perceived. We use words in a similar way, I talk about Boyfriend ‘moving into my spare room,’ rather than saying we are going to be ‘living together.’ If you followed me some weeks you’d think all I did was have coffee with different men – but that’s just working for the church for you.

My 3rd main thought about the bump is about control. I know I’ve said before I’m a bit of a control freak. My first thought as the van went into my car was, oh the car is moving, I need to stop that. When Boyfriend and I got train to London on Thursday morning we were sat in the ‘entertainment carriage’ which means you get a tv screen on the back of the seat infront of you – like on a plane and so I spent much of the journey watching were we are on the map, this was something that I loved on the plane to and from South Africa, especially the moment middle of the night when we were over the Sahara Desert. Spending time in London my parents seem to prefer the bus to the tube – and walking along the Thames most of all! I prefer the tube, you can follow where you are on the map, I know how it works. Buses are a bit more unpredictable. Boyfriend and I were talking to someone over the past few days about living in London. Boyfriend would love to, though I think he is also looking forward to being able to walk in the beautiful countryside around me, whereas I’m more of a ‘towny’ who is coping with rural life.

The bump shock me cos I was out of control in the one place I feel most in control. Similarly on Wednesday when I picked up my shiny hire car I felt slightly out of control, the corsa being that bit different to my Getz. And now waiting to hear how my little car is, I'm out of control.


So I’m vainer that I think. As always I’m a control freak, but I’m no liar. Let’s just see what the next step is and pray they don’t write my car off.

Added - 14:27 on 3.9.12 - just had a phone call, car is fixable. Prayer works!

Big Steps and Stillness

There are some times in my life when it feels like God is really trying to teach me something. Though sometimes when you have those life changing experiences you need to remember them, and particularly my blog (in general, not just this post) is about that – remembering what I’ve learnt or thought about.

I’m not really sure what started this blog post – it may have been something I read on Jill Baker’s blog but I was thinking as I drove through Wales on Friday about moments of stillness. There is one part of the journey, driving through a valley (obviously said with the welsh accent) that the radio goes off, and it’s just me and my thoughts.

At one of my many interviews this year I was asked about my hobbies and I talked about training for the 5k, blogging, and how I enjoy driving. They – the interview panel – commented that these were all individual activities, ones that I do on my own, and asked if I was contemplative. Now I currently live alone – well kind of, I’m currently looking after a lot of animals for some friends / colleague. Living alone means that my spare time is used up by myself, I’ve already talked in other blog posts about how connected I am, and how I’m never really lonely.

I’ve not always lived alone. I learnt a lot about myself when living with people. I had a friend staying with me for quite a while earlier this year and their stuff has all been moved out today to make room for my next house guest.

On Sunday morning the preacher (Rev David Easton of Island Parish fame) was talking about finding stillness, times to focus on God, for some people that’s by being in the beauty of creation, for others is a holy place, for some it needs to be silent, for others that is distracting.

I was in Wales this weekend for the wedding of two of Boyfriend’s Housemates from University. Now over the past 15 months Boyfriend and I have been to 8 weddings. They have all been very different but I must say this weekend has to be one of my favourites, plus Boyfriend’s University Town will always be a special place.

I spent yesterday getting my house ready for Boyfriend to move into the spare bedroom. I’ve spent a lot of time working out what all this means, and we’ve spent time working out some ground rules. There are two things that worry me about living with Boyfriend; being too much like a married couple and falling out completely. My last no distance relationship only lasted a few months and that was years ago.

No one can accuse me and Boyfriend of rushing into marriage for one thing, and it worries me that by living together that when we get married that will be the only difference, so I’m taking steps to ensure it’s my house that he’s staying in, we have separate bedrooms and it is only short term. So if anyone knows of a place Boyfriend can live please let me know!

Like when we have to find places of stillness to listen to God it is really important to have moments when we talk about the serious things in our lives, set the ground rules and work out how we fit our ideals to the practicalities that life throws at us.

6 months on...

Hello loyal blog reader, nice to be back, I’ve been meaning to blog for a while but my life was a bit like going round in circles. But then it wasn’t. Life has a habit of throwing things at you, never more than you can handle, but always something. Or at least that’s how my 2012 has felt. But we are now 6 months in so it’s about time for a recap.

So I’m failing on some things, chocolate is one of those things – but clothes I’m doing well on! Let's check the list!

1, Get fitter and healthier - In a number of ways.
a, Walk / run - aiming to do a 5k run for charity by the end of the year,
b, Do more exercise in general - mainly on the Wii as well as walking.
c, Have a better daily routine - including eating breakfast more often.
2, Blog more - I'm not saying how regularly, but more often!
3, Worry less about the future!!! 2012 is gonna be scary but worrying helps no one!
4, Stop being so obsessed with marriage.
5, Be more fair trade:
a, Only buy clothes that are fair trade or second hand
b, Give up non-fair trade chocolate.(Now that is the really difficult one and I've already failed once as I forgot - will ask Brother for tips!!)
6, Be wiser with money.
a, Reviewing giving - not give less but do more with what I give.
b, Review my spending.
c, Make more sandwiches / packed lunches rather than buying them.
7, Pray More! Lancashire district are having a year of prayer I'm hoping to get involved in a number of ways! First plan is to say grace more often before meals. Maybe find a spiritual director.

So 1a – I did my race for life 5k, in 42 minutes!!! Raised £200 (if you include gift aid) you can still sponsor me at – https://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/rachic11
1c – well I had breakfast this morning!
2- well I’ve blogged more! Just not a lot recently
3 – I’ll come back to this later.
4 – fail!! Which I knew I would so replaced with grade 5 theory! Which I took in one very random weekend – day before the 5k, still waiting to hear how I did...
5 – a pass, b fail!

6 – hmm, well I bought accident insurance today – they obviously rang when I was feeling fragile.
7 – yeah, @yr_of_prayer is really helping 


So the future!

Well I had 7 interviews in 8 weeks and was about to implode, but then I got a call from my circuit boss asking if the circuit meeting agreed would I stay another year! So after my brain exploded and circuit meeting agreed I can now say I’m staying where I am for a further 12 months.

I’ve spent a lot of time recently reflecting on being called to stay! I was expecting to have to move, to be sent, or even to be without a job, but now I’m staying. I thought I was about to start the next race, but actually I’ve just passed another milestone – on the 5k there was a sign very kilometre on the route, it was such a relief to see the 1k earlier than I was expecting. My job will be changing slightly so I’ll have to change my way of working – more local stuff, more children’s work.

There is other stuff going on, but I’m not very good with words, and songs say things better than I can. I’ve been clinging to the words of Faithful One, and remembering I’m part of a bigger community. I love that there are people who are there to hold me when I cry, or let me use their shower – had many boiler issues over the past month. In my car at the moment is an Andy Flanagan cd which includes the song – Fragile, written about the tsunami in 2004 but has been a comfort to me this past week.
Life and death are so hand in hand. On Monday my youth group were having a bbq at a farm, we had a tour and saw a calf that had been born that morning. New life. Death reminds us that this is not forever, that life in the grand scheme of things isn’t very long, but means that we have to live each day, spend it with those we love, doing what we love, being who we are called to be.

So here I am, not moving, called to stay. Trying to be the best me, in the time that I have, working towards the next milestone. Much of the past 12 months have revolved around the word Bambelela which when all is well feels like a carnival word, but maybe it’s more like supercalifraglisticexpealidosiuos – the word to say when there is nothing else. Bambelela, Never give up, Christ is our hope.

Wait

On Sunday night we had a Local Preachers accreditation service, and I’ll come back to why this is my second favourite service of the Methodist calendar (after Covenant) later. Therefore it was a Circuit service at a chapel, there was lots of very good cake which meant standing around and talking to people, which I also love! But I had the same conversation about 15 times. Almost all of which ended ‘well it’s good you are getting interviews.’ Now I don’t want to knock it as I love being part of such a caring community but by the end I needed a t-shirt printing with my tour dates on the back, and maybe a PS of – 'I’m shattered!'

This led to a discussion with someone about getting a t-shirt and all the front needed to say was ‘not yet’ and this started me thinking, how would I describe my life right now. Back in Feb at the well retreat I’d labelled the current phrase as the ‘Pizza Hut Years’ (though boyfriend has only worked there six months.) 'Not yet' sums up my life rather well. It works for most questions I get asked at the moment, and actually while I’m job hunting people have stopped asking the engagement question – well mostly anyway.

There are times in life when wait feels like the right answer and times when it's really annoying. I believe God answers all prayer, sometimes it’s yes, sometimes it’s no and sometimes it’s not yet, wait. I guess you could link this to traffic lights, red=no, amber= wait, and green = yes. There are some traffic lights near the local university that the amber light has gone, makes you realise how important the wait part is. My call to Local Preaching was like that. I think it was May 3 years ago that I first felt called to train to be a local preacher. My calling is very much linked to another preacher and friend. It was watching her preach that I knew that I could do that, but was certain that it wasn’t yet. It was only 9 months later at her Accreditation service that I felt that now was the time – my first thought being ‘drat God!’

As with everything else in the world at the moment, I’ll use a sports analogy. I feel like I’m waiting round at the start of the race, maybe being told to be on my marks. But there’s no way I’m getting set just yet. I think when I do know where I’m going next then I’ll feel more like I’m not waiting, and then I have a feeling my last 2 and a bit months (or whatever when I’m at that point) will fly by.
I’m happy to wait on God, knowing that it’s in the gaps that God prepares us for what is next. As I said in my No post, there were times when turning down things is right, ready for the next yes.

So I’m on my marks, I don’t know where I’m going, or even how long the race is, but I’m ready and waiting. And as it is said it's not the destination it’s the journey.

So over to you! I’d love to know if you were to describe your life right now what phrase you would use.

more coats and shoes - dressed for life

I started this blog on Thursday and was just going to write about it being Christian Aid week, but got distracted from blogging by Question Time Bingo, which was very fun and so have returned to it today and want to bring something of this morning's service in too.

This week has been very busy! Not as busy as it was meant to be as I missed Youth Work Summit yesterday as I needed a day to rest and stop being so ill – I’m a pathetic ill person but don’t worry I’m not going to blog about that again.

I drove over 500 miles in just over 24 hours Tuesday / Wednesday.

Did more job hunting stuff

Did my job – though that did mean I bumped into my favourite 2 year old for a kiss and a cuddle.

And did my Christian Aid week delivering and collecting.

Last year was the first time I'd been a collector for this brill charity, and I was really looking forward to it, getting to meet my neighbours. This year was just as fun, people knew when I knocked on their door what I was after which made things easier and only had one person challenge me on what Christian Aid do with the money – his plan was to (please excuse my English) “shoot the bloody dictators” to ensure the money got to the people who needed it.

I don’t have a tv in my bedroom. For this reason cos I’ve been feeling a bit ill and grumpy I’ve spent a lot of time this week in bed rather than in my living room, and therefore I’ve been listening to music rather than watching tv in the background. One of my favourite singers at the moment is Paul Bell and I have 2 of his cds – yeah I’m rather old school when it comes to music. One song that I’ve been reflecting on and I thought of during today’s service is ‘Same Planet, Different World’ I encourage you to listen to it here. Its like the #middleclasswoes on twitter.

Sometimes life feels like it’s just a bit much. We all go through different things, how can I really complain when there are people starving in Africa, or being burnt in acid baths for being witches.

The service today went on to talk about shoes. Someone before the service commented to their neighbour that someone had left their shoes in the middle of the front, something similar happened to me when I’d hung 3 coats on the pulpit, it all became clear later. In job hunting many people have come out with Christian Clichés about doors and in God’s time, and I thank you for trying, but I don’t need your pretty clichés (posh, pretty shoes that are not good when the going gets tough) – I need your time, and support and hugs (practical trainers). On my notice board I have a postcard that someone gave me a couple of years ago and they didn’t write anything but drew a heart and their name, and that means more to me. I was prophesied over at Soul Survior last summer and one of the people said they saw a picture of coats and how we have different coats for different times and seasons, ones that fit us and the situation we are in at that time. I know I'm in a time where I'm working out which coat I need next.

The line repeated by one preacher today (we had a rather ace double act and it was so great for lay and ordained people working together in harmony) was from the John 17 passage – Jesus prays ‘I am not asking you to take them out of the world but to protect them.’

That's what I needed to hear today. Being a Christian isn’t about being wrapped up in bubble wrap, but about running the race, going for it. The example used was that of an egg and spoon race around the church, with people helping out by opening doors. God gives us the people to help out along the way.

My final thought ish – and I am about to stop promise cos I’ve just got onto page 2 of my word file, comes from Adrian Plass, he was given the phrase ‘Nothing is wasted.’ God uses everything we go through, the rubbish he turns into manure so we can grow further and better. He said he had to pass it on as he isn’t given anything from God for him to keep – now that is wisdom.

I’ve also recently been reflecting on the Covenant prayer a lot recently. In January when I said it everything I was doing was for God, working, looking after a homeless friend, local preaching. And now I’m job hunting, with the possibility of being jobless and having to move back in with my parents. And yeah it does worry me, but I don’t want a get me out of here card, I know that God will protect me, and use what happens to me, to further the work He does in me.

So again I pray the prayer of covenant.

‘I am no longer my own but yours.
Put me to what you will,
rank me with whom you will;
put me to doing,
put me to suffering;
let me be employed for you,
or laid aside for you,
exalted for you,
or brought low for you;
let me be full,
let me be empty,
let me have all things,
let me have nothing:
I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things
to your pleasure and disposal.
And now, glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
you are mine and I am yours.'

All Change

Before we begin, I'm not going to say sorry, but I am going to warn you
a, my proof reader is away
b, this is long and rambley
c, it makes sense to me, and its my blog and I'm in control here, but if it doesn't for you hopefully normality will be returned on the next blog.



Life often seems to go in waves.
Let me give you an example, in the last few years I've known many church people who were turning 40, then this year my friends who are still in their 30s seem to all have been married 10 years - well 3 couples at least.
Or in youth work, you may have a group of 11 year olds join the youth club and you work with them for 5 years and in that time get some kids who are 2 or 3 years younger, but not one year younger.
Live goes in waves.

Last time I remember feeling like everything was changing and I was out of control of it was at the about October 2010 - I know the timing as I remember sitting in a certain bedroom. 2010 I had 5 addresses, at work we were going through the starts of the changes to form the new circuit that now exists. So I was moving house a lot, and changing line manager, and generally feeling a bit out of control of everything.

Now I think for me this is the thing. Change can be exciting, for example I was instrumental in the end of MYE and the formation of the DYEs. That was exciting change, those of you who knew me in 2007/2008 will know the YPS steering group was my main passion. Though I know it also stressed me out a lot. (I apologise for the Methodist jargon and whichever ground rule that was!)

My issue isn't change, it's control. I am a control freak.

I may have said this before but when I'm feeling out of control I like to go for a drive, it calms me down as I know at that time I'm in control of my car, speed, direction etc. and linking back to one of the MWiB blogs I did, getting lost by myself is less stressful than getting lost of the Sat Nav and me disagreed as then I'm not in control.


Anyway back to present day. I'm yet again at a place where everything is changing. There have been a few announcements in the past week about people moving on, and I know that if I find a job I could be the other end of the country or even in Wales.
Just feels like at the moment the wave is all about change.
The CD in my car currently is Andy Flannagan and my fave song on this cd has the line - 'we are changed to be the change you promise'

My aims for 2012 were meant to change me, make me healthier, fairer, and more talented. But again they were changes I wanted to make.

I know sometimes I can't be in control and hopefully God is - depending on the interviewers understanding of God's will.
We don't go through this alone, and we don't go through it without reason. Today I challenged young people to change their communities, their prayers for the world covered most of the map and I am constantly amazed at young people's commitment to prayer and to action.
We watched a clip from Evan Almighty where he is talking to God (Morgan Freeman!!) and God laughs at his plans. Makes me think that as much as I want to be in control, that God needs to be ultimately in charge, maybe that's why everything feels so change-y, cos I need to let go of control. There's kinda a boat at see image in my head and I need to stop trying to steer in a storm and give God control.

I guess what worries me is I feel stressed when I'm not in control and someone else is - maybe that's why I get travel sick (hmm, sorry random tangent will think about that elsewhere). Maybe my prayer needs to be for God's peace to take hold. For God to calm the storm in my worries as well as the storm of change - or at least guide me safely through.

And peace brings me on to Boyfriend...

Boyfriend has had a ... day (I don't know what the word is as I don't think he knows yet really). Its hard to see someone you love, who is so far away, and you can't talk to go through something that looks difficult. But I know its life changing, and he's being changed to be the change God promises. I just prayer that as he sleeps tonight he will be rested for the rest of the week, be refreshed fro the next day and be transformed further so God can use him to be the change in this World

Worship on the Sabbath

I love the fact God is bigger than a worship style!

I've had a very Sabbathy Sunday. Starting with all age worship led by Duggie Dug Dug, including being a puppeteer again! I spent most of the morning on the floor at the front with kids climbing all over me, dancing and calling people funky. Was great to be free, and able to worship. Then I got a signed copy of Doug's latest CD.

After picking up some lunch I went to see my cousin for the afternoon. We caught up on life, reminisced about chair moves and all things stewards and played a card game. All the things Sunday afternoon should be about - especially when we share favourite pizza toppings!

Then off I went back to church for a Taize service. This is the first one I've been to at church and I loved the repetition, the silence and the light. I've got 3 friends on my heart at the moment, going through rough times and I lit a candle especially for one of them at the end of the service. The 10 minute silence near the end flew by, I had to concentrate to get children's action songs out of my head. I used to think in tweets, though since I've started blogging my thought process has developed into blog topics. I was thinking about this blog, and my life, and what is next, moving or not, working or not. The next few months are going to be a very exciting but scary time.

Something I've been picking up in worship a lot recently is the idea of light, and light overcoming the darkness. In a talk about slavery last weekend at MWiB this verse was used in a Mexican wave style - the light will shine in the darkness and the darkness will never overcome it. Tonight was totally lit by candles and it is so lovely to set the atmosphere that way.

I'm preparing to blog every day at www.mwib.org.uk this week. The first post will be about who I am, my identity. This is something that has shaped a lot of my thoughts recently. Who am I? What makes me who I am? When my whole life seems to be changing what remains? And today in the context of worship, who am I? I love kids worship songs, actions and all, I love silence, candles, chants, I love conversations and communion, I love prayer stations and late night prayer rooms. I go to Soul Survivor, Spring Harvest and Greenbelt. I'm me in all of these. I'm real. Worship isn't worship if its not real.

I'm just glad that God is still the same God, whether I'm dancing or sitting, kneeling or waving my arms in the air. I'm still discovering who I am but God is God. Amen.

love yourself as your neighbour

I’m very good at looking after other people, I’ve spent a lot of tonight showing people where the toilets are and stopping under 18s leaving without an adult. I’m also very aware of what I think and why I think it. I love the wishbone activity where you work out the core route of an issue. For example, I’m tired, cos I went to bed late, cos a friend was upset about something, so I need to make sure I turn my internet off on my phone in enough time to give me time to chill before bed –something I need to learn due to having a new phone with internet.

I’m a little bit worried I’ve taken on too much at the moment. I’m a bit behind with admin at work, my house is a bit messy, I’m running out of clean clothes – which is saying something! I have many friends going through some stuff – all of which I love, and don’t want to not be there for them – please do not read this as me telling you to go away, this blog is about me! I’m blogging for MWiB every day next week – which I am excited about. I have another friend setting up youthworkhub, which we bought a domain name for today – again exciting stuff but have had to say that I can’t commit to doing much work for it. I used the phrase earlier that I need put life on hold while I catch up with work. I need a routine, which was why as part of my New Year's resolutions I wanted to take up running and eating breakfast. Since getting back from Spring Harvest I’ve had such an irregular diary, especially with MWiB weekend last weekend that it has meant I haven’t managed to get back into routine, and do my music homework and some faith and worship.

I think today I hit the post Spring Harvest lull, not on that spiritual high, all of my prayers of recent days has been for this friend or that opportunity. Let's go back to my friends. I was talking to someone earlier about how couples counterbalance each other, and that led on to love languages. I know I’ve talked about these before but I think it is a brill theory. How do love languages work online? Most of my friends I spend more time with online than I do offline. I’ve said before that touch is my primary language, touch doesn’t work online, as much as a *hug* shows the thought, it's not a hug. Similarly acts of service and gifts aren’t easy via Facebook chat, or MSN. Words are what we do have. Quality time is possible, but then with the way we communicate online is it quality time, or is it the gaps between other things – or turning that on its head is it quality time cos we fit it around our offline activities.

So to stop myself from burning out what do I do? Even tonight at Duggie Dug Dug I took the steward’s role, staffing the door. I hope tomorrow morning I can really engage in the worship, and I’m off to a Taize service in the evening, to give me the space to listen to God. Then Monday I need to start as I mean to go on, eat breakfast, run and get on top of my admin. So wish me luck, please pray for me if you do and if you want check up on me on Monday – though don’t distract me please.

Bambelela - what a year

Bambelela - an african word meaning never give up.

I know in December I did a review of the year but somehow I think the year should run from Easter to Easter - or Swanwick to Swanwick.
April 2011 had a very busy week in it. I went from a manic spring harvest stewarding where I made some good friends, and went straight off to Swanwick for my first experience of MWiB (Methodist Women in Britain). I was shattered and probably made a really bad first impression. It can't have been too bad as they still took me to South Africa, and asked me to join the forum. I'm really glad they didn't give up on me.

This past 12 months with MWiB have been very exciting, the Launch in Southport in July last year, 3 forum meetings where I informally represent young women (under 40s), 2 of the launch roadshows, 2 task group meetings - as well as joining 2 other task groups. And of course the World Assembly in Jo'burg.

So this weekend we explored many things on the theme of Bambelela the most moving being 3 women talking about their experiences of life, being very open and honest and still declaring Bambelela - Christ is our hope. The funniest moment being during watching cool runnings when they all shouted Bambelela!

This evening I've had my own Bambelela moment. You may have figured from last nights blog that something was happening today. I had a job interview and had a phone call this evening saying they weren't offering me the job. So, after getting fish and chips, I've spent the evening in my pjs, cuddling Kimmy (my teddy) and eating chocolate. This obviously wasn't the job for me, and God has a better plan for my life. So I'm not giving up, I'm grateful for the emails and texts of support I've received today. Christ is my hope. Never give up. Bambelela

clothes, lights and graces

How is it that we manage to turn relatively small things in to big things?

I'm not really into fashion - actually if anything now a days I try to buy all my clothes from charity shops or fair trade traders but some how deciding what to wear has always been complicated. Back in my days at sixth form - which was the first time I really had to choose what to wear regularly my mum used to come in to my room every night and help me decide what to wear the next day.

Back in 2009 I was on placement in a school and spent quite a bit of time talking to my supervisor about clothes in relation to power, as a non-teacher I had a different relationship with the pupils, they called me Rachel for example, but my clothes also reflected that - so much so that one day a was told off for sitting on a windowsil by someone who thought I was a sixth former. Though at my own high school I got told off for wearing trainers with black trousers and jumper as I looked like a KS4 pupil when I was a sixth former and allowed to wear trainers.

I've spent a disproportionate amount of time in the past 26 hours thinking about what I will wear tomorrow, strange isn't it?

The other small think that happened today was that one of the bulbs went in my house and consequently I had to find the fuse box as it had blown the whole lights system. Might sound small and insignificant, but was a first for me.

I asked someone earlier why we make small things so big, and his response was something along the lines of cos we have control of it, and he was right. This past weekend I was at a conference which I'll go into properly soon, but of all the jobs I had that weekend saying the grace before tea/dinner on Saturday night was the thing that stressed me most, just like deciding what to wear. I think that's cos I have control of it, and it's something I can prepare. I know I'm a bit of a control freak, in the bossy way rather than a perfectionist, but I'm also a know it all, and always have been.

This is yet another blog where I've got to this point and realised I don't have an ending, I could go down the line of handing it all to Jesus, and not worrying. Or use the illustration of a feather in the wind, floating gently.
But instead I will just say night night, I survived grace and have my clothes sorted for tomorrow and the rest will just have to be what it is, and hopefully I can be the best me I can be.

Identity, Coats and Disney

I started this blog on Saturday, but wasn't sure it was right and had a sermon I was meant to be writing. That evening I was talking to a friend about why it's easier to blog than to sermon, and I decided it's cos I can talk about me more, though my blogs often end up with God. To hear more of my sermon writing antics read Paul's Blog But here is my blog, I've added stuff from my sermon, and updated the times. Enjoy

I've been driving on rural roads again but don't worry that isn't the metaphor I'm using again... yet.

In my car I have a Disney CD playing at the moment - blame Brother for that! I have a feeling there will be a few blogs on things Disney teaches me - I already have one in my blog drafts folder but today I want to talk about identity.

First thing I've learnt is that Disney films aren't nice. The Hunchback of Notre-Dame starts (I think, not seen it in ages) with a 'Gypsy' killed for running away to save her baby, who isn't cute... when she is accused of stealing. The story is told in the song and it uses the line 'one is the monster and one the man’, and goes on to ask ‘who is the monster and who is the man?’ The adult who killed the mother and the child. The former gives the child the name Quasimodo which means half formed.

The next song on the CD is from Aladdin, where the Genie renames Aladdin as Prince Ali. I like how the songs often link one to the next.

I think names are really interesting. I'm a peaceful ewe. One of my favourite youth work sessions explores who we are and what defines us, sharing your name with someone doesn't really tell them anything... When I was in South Africa I was British Rachel, as we also had an Irish Rachel. Yeah, of all the 18-30s women in Methodism Britain and Ireland managed to pick two Rachel's!! On Twitter I'm Rachic11 which doesn't tell you much but then I get a whole 160 characters to explain who I am, and in that you get - girlfriend,daughter,sister,friend,methodist,youth worker,HKS4MWiB,f&w studier, Views are my own.

So, how often do we reinvent ourselves?
I was at a coffee morning on Saturday that I have been going to for over 4 years on and off - nowadays only when I get a free Saturday morning. I wonder how different I am now to the nervous 18 year old who turned up her first week in the city. There are two brilliant old men there, the banter between them is so funny and somehow I often get into trouble (all in jest) when they put words in my mouth. Wonder if they see a difference in me.

I've also bought a new phone this weekend. I've loved my current/old phone and had it since my 21st, but Friday night, going in to a famous Italian food based hut ,I dropped it and the answer call button no longer works! So I've had to get a new phone, its similar to my old one, but definitely an upgrade. How I spend my money is a big way I show who I am, and getting the best contract for my money means I have the capability to be there for people online and to listen on the phone, and money spare to give to charity.

The other way I change how I look is hair and glasses. Though I noticed the other day that I bought the same frames for sunglasses both in 2008 and 2010. As part of my sermon I talked about how our clothes are part of our identity. I have 3 coats, my youth work one that I use for detached work and when I'm camping and need to put something over my pjs when telling young people off at 3am. Its waterproof. Then there is my furry on the inside thick winter coat - looks good with wellies. And third is my pretty summer coat that I was given for one birthday. It's great for a dry night out - but not if it's wet as its dry clean only. The sermon went into what the people were doing by laying their coats on the ground, their security and warmth - as well as identity - sacrificing part of who they to exalt Jesus.

Going back to the 'monster or man' idea I've recently been to see the Muppets at the cinema and that has 'am I a man up a muppet.' Now ignoring the fact I'm a woman, how do I want to be seen? I often joke I'd be a great evil genius if my morals didn't get in the way. And boyfriend calls me a muppet often.

Does it really matter who I have been, the name I've been given, or even who I am going to be (though all are part of who I am) but surely it's about who I am today. How I use who I have been to guide who I am and can be, and what do I need to sacrifice to exalt Jesus.