8-ish things I've learnt from my relationship

I should probably start by saying this isn't a Lent blog. So if you are expecting butterflies instead I'm sorry to disappoint you, but that will be written some point this week don't worry.

This blog started as a throw away comment to a friend after another all-to-regular phone call about my car accident about 18 months ago. My friend commented I was being amazingly patient, so I replied 'I was well practiced and that maybe I could blog, "how not having sex helps me put up with repetitive phone calls."'

You'll notice that is not what this blog is called but its where I started.

Let's start with some confessions.

• As usual I don't have answers, just more questions. But I hope to share some of my wisdom I've learnt along the way.
• Me and Boyfriend have been together 64 months and 2days today, that’s almost 5 and a half years.
• I'm a virgin. As is Boyfriend.
• There are probably many complex and deep reasons for the choices and decisions Boyfriend and I have made along the way that have got us to this point. I am by no means going to go into all of those, but here are a few things I've learnt, or what I think about things.

The L word is a big deal.

I blogged on this recently. This first time it's said it is a big deal, but it should continue to be. 'I love you' should be said as often as possible and with feeling. It doesn't have to be those exact words. For example when my dad calls me plonker at the end of a phone conversation I know he loves me.

Rules and boundaries make everything simpler in the long run

You may laugh but Boyfriend and I have a number of rules that make life simpler. Some are practical way of working long distance - if a phone call gets cut off for some reason the person who made the initial phone call is the one who rings again. The same works for setting physical boundaries - if you make them beforehand you don't end up being very confused and both getting each other's answer phone.

The important part is the communication to check rules still work. Early on it was easier to change rules, now it sometimes seems we do things because 5 years ago we thought it was a good idea. At the beginning we looked at what was ok for us then, and what we thought would be ok when we were engaged and then when married. I don't think 20 year old me thought we wouldn't be married by 25, but here we are. So revisiting rules and checking why we think and do or don't do certain things is important.

Love languages are so important

Having come across GaryChapman's love languages many years ago now, I think they show a lot about how we interact. The 5 languages are; touch, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time. Knowing both your own and that of your partner is vital to a healthy and stable love life.

Getting involved in their world

Trust is such an important part of any relationship. It can be more difficult in long distance. Jealously is something I've had to learn to deal with. Boyfriend has close female friends, one of the silly examples of when I've been jealous for no reason was just before my 21st birthday when Boyfriend was late home and I complained, only to find out, later, his friend was helping him print, cut and place the photo that lives in my locket I got for that birthday from Boyfriend.

My advice is become a part of their world; meet their friends, get to visit the places they spend their time, so you can picture where they are. Part of it may have been for selfish reasons, to warn others off, but mostly about seeing your partner in all that they are.

Patience is key

When people talk to me about patience, they sometimes mean sex, which I'll come to, but actually it's about other things for me. Waiting for Boyfriend to propose so I we can plan myour wedding. At the moment it's the living together that I'm wanting, someone to cook for, someone to come home to.

Long distance in itself teaches a lot about patience. We have been known to go up to eight (well somewhere between six and 10 we can’t actually remember) weeks without seeing each other face to face - technology obviously helps, but as touch is the primary love language for both of us, a skype chat, though lovely, is not a cuddle.

So I've learnt to be patient.

To answer my throw away comment, long distance, not waiting, is what has taught me most about patience.

Then there is sex

My mum's version of sex ed as I was growing up was "you'll wait till you're married won't you." It certainly wasn't really a question. So very early on, maybe even just before we actually got together we decided we'd wait till we got married to have sex. That was our decision for what was best for us. We have many friends who have taken different stances on this, and if that works for them then what does that have to do with anyone else. Though you are the one who's got this far in what is a very self indulgent blog about my relationship.

Maybe it's because I'm female, because I've had friends who are amazed Boyfriend has survived this long.

We aren't having sex because it's not important,  but because it is.

Maybe it's a pride thing now.

Being the good kids in a culture saturated with sex, is not always easy. But for us I think it's worthwhile. Part of  the decision is based on the belief that sex belongs in marriage. Yes the Bible teaches about adultery, which I read as sex should be within a union between two people, which is preferably marriage.

My view on marriage

For me, marriage is a journey, and on that journey different things are right at different times. In Doctor Who, the Doctor and River Song's lives are going in opposite directions. His first kiss is her last. After that in her lifetime was before that in his, so it was too early for him to kiss her.

Sex is an important part of the marriage relationship, and it has to start at some point. Facebook tells almost all of my friends, and man acquaintances that I'm in a relationship, a wedding will actually show less people my declaration of love for Boyfriend. But it's about the promises, to one other person forever,  in front of God.

In the same way we don't live together, and even when we did it was only for 3 months and we had separate space. Though to go off on that tangent, I understand the try before you buy mentality. When boyfriend moved in it was a decision and a balance between ethics and ideals with practicalities. It's good to know we can cope being in the same house though. 

Marriage is the whole package. Linking body, mind, soul, and bank account. Its making the decisions together, having someone to snuggle up with and watch a film after a rough day and someone to fall asleep in the arms of..

My last piece of advice if you can call any of this that, is be yourselves.

Be true to you and your relationship.

Lent 1 - Risk the journey with me?

Each year I like to have a focus for my blog and this year I'm basing my blogs on the MWiB's (don't know who they are? I blogged about them here) Easter Offering lent reflections. All of which can be found here. My blog will be my thoughts and musings on each weeks reflection - there is also a more in depth Bible Study,  I'm not using them. I should also point out the views are my own, not necessarily those of MWiB as a whole!

 

Are you with me?

Each week has an image and questions to ponder. Week one is about journeys and has this painting. First Snow by Sarah Pye.

I've been on some physical journeys recently and had a number of travelling companions. My journey home from the Connecting Disciples conference started with a taxi ride with two people, and as they got on a train someone else joined me, this companion was someone I'd noticed early in the week but never had a chance to talk to, she was knitting which is how I noticed her. In our conversation we found out we had very similar jobs and only started recently. Together we successfully navigate Tottenham Hale station to get the tube,  2 stops later I had to leave her as we went our separate ways. This station I came across someone else, who had popped into my conference on Tuesday before having to go off elsewhere. This companion and I had a chat at the station and then due to some confusion on my part because the first class carriage was in front of where we were standing, we ended up in different carriages for the short journey. Getting off at the next station we reunited before his train home arrived.

After that my journey companions remained as strangers. Though that doesn't mean they didn't leave an impression,  the woman opposite me spent much of the 2ish hour journey laughing at something on her tablet and the man next to her was sleeping.

After a quick dash across a large station, including giving up waiting for the lift and moving quickly down the stairs with my heavy suitcase. I eventually made it home, and even ordered take away while on the train - isn't technology clever.

Looking at this image I wonder at what stage of the journey it is. It's getting brighter as you get further in. Maybe you are currently in the wood and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm mixing metaphors on purpose. On Monday I was in a friends car and she held her breath while we were going through a tunnel - she would have managed it if I hadn't made her laugh. Maybe sometimes we are holding our breath and the light just ahead of them means everything might just get a bit easier and we can breathe easy again.

The image is called first snow, I love walking in snow. Making my footprints stick. I was walking in the snow while it was still falling earlier in the year, that was less satisfying.

I'm looking forward to journeying through lent, I hope each week I will become more enlightened as the path becomes brighter as we "risk the path he trod" to the cross.

I'll end with the prayer from the resource.

Jesus, you know what it is to walk alone and to walk with friends.  As we enter this journey of Lent, give us the space we need to breathe and grow and learn; yet assure us that we are not abandoned in the wood.  May your peace settle upon us as the snow, absorbing our fear and pain and sorrow. Amen.

Simply Lent

As blogging was part of my aims for 2012 I don’t feel too bad about the fact I’ve not blogged as regularly in 2013. However, I have two other posts that I’m currently working on. They do, I think anyway, both fit into my theme for Lent, which quite rightly needs to be started today.

In the past I’ve given things up for lent; chocolate, buying dvds, Bananas (which totally wasn’t a sacrifice). Anyway this year I wanted to do something a bit different but had no idea what.

About two weeks ago my tv died a death, in the past year of so the colours have occasionally gone, but some pulling on the wires and that soon returns to normal. However the horizontal thingy-me-whatsit has properly gone this time and I feel the Tv is no more. Two days after this happened I moved into friends’ house so it was no longer an issue (And the day inbetween me and boyfriend went to see another pair of friends to watch the rugby so it was all good.)

Monday morning my phone started crashing so I did the first thing you are meant to do when technology breaks, turned it off and on again, however it refused to turn on, and after two trips to the phone shop and hours downloading software to try to update my phone it had to go off to the phone doctors.

My Mum joked I should give up tv for lent, and this along with my phone started me thinking about living simply. So here is my challenge.  I’m not sure what it’s actually going to look like.

Today we had snow, so I went over to my local church to check no one was going to turn up to the Kinda-over 60s club. Part of the car park was untouched so I walked around it making a heart shape with my footprints. I’d have loved to take a photo but I didn’t have my phone, but maybe that's what living simply means – living in the moment. 

I’m not sure where lent is going to take me, and at some point I hope I’ll get a new tv, and in the meantime there is always iplayer and the like.

But this is my challenge, exploring a life of simplicity. Trying to uncomplicate, and not over-luxuarise things (if that’s even a word).

Bring on Lent and let’s see where this journey takes me.

What to blog

This is the second blog I’ve written about my weekend, but decided after writing 429 words in the previous one that I wasn’t happy with it so here is Mark II.

I spent this weekend with 35 other members of the Methodist Women in Britain (MWiB) Connexional Forum.  The forum is made up of a rep from every District, the five executive members (Pres, VP, communications, finance and recourses and Area pres), a representative from Women’s World Day of Prayer (for England and Wales – apparently Scotland is different) and - as of Sunday when we changed the constitution the Helen Kim Memorial Scholar – me! I’ve been going to the previous forums as a non-voting member.

There was much business to be done and if you would like to know about that then please ask and I can let you know, but I’m not going to focus on that. However a piece of business that I was looking forward to was the social media policy – and when this was agreed it meant I was allowed to tweet during the sessions.

As well as business the important part of our time together is that of worship.  We started and ended our time together with worship – well that's not totally true, it was lunch, but you know. The theme of all opening and closing worship as well as evening (which I led) and morning prayers was ‘When words are not enough’

My original blog went into detail about how this was done, but I hope you understand why I have taken this out. There is something about being a part of forum, a powerful group of women who are all very different from all across the Methodist Church in Great Britain. This was our fourth meeting and despite there being some substitutes and new faces we are still bonded as a group. So even if I had their permission to share the stories here I don’t think I would want to, as its special. The time together, the care for each other. We laugh and we cry together.

I would always hope that worship is about sharing our lives with each other as well as with God. In that time and in that place. So I probably could tell you of the garden shown one morning, but it wouldn’t mean as much as you don’t know the gardener.

I usually write about my story, but I don’t think there is just a my story. My life is so intertwined with others.  Even more so with technology now a days. Writing this is finding a balance between sharing who I am, and not sharing too much of others.

I will however tell you about the final song we sung  (496 from singing the faith) which I fell in love with the chorus –

“All around us we have known you,

All creation lives to hold you.

In our living and our dying

We are bring you to birth”

Bernadette Farrell (b.1957)

So I join with the other women of the movement, as we join with the rest of our church, are other Christian sisters and brothers across the world and with all creation to live to hold God.

To check out what the President said about the weekend find her blog here Saturday and Sunday 

Is this the real life?

One of my typical lines that my friends get is, when will my life get back to normal? (alongside grr printer) or my life isn’t this mad normally!

I mentioned in my blog the other day that the day before Greenbelt I had a bit of a disaster. I’d been house sitting with many many animals and popped home to find the boiler that had been emptied the day before, while we (me and Rob the plumber who I know well now) waited for the important heating / electrics part to arrive, had filled up over night and then leaked out of the gap where the new part would do, and my hallway was raining when I walked through the door. So I rang the letting agent, and then my Mum! I sat while water dripped into my pots and pans. It took some time, but was all fixed by 4pm! Me and Mum sucked the water out of the carpet with a carpet cleaner and then Letting Agent came to have a look at the damage and decided to bring in a dehumidifier.

Lets jump ahead, past Greenbelt, and the car accident ‘bump’ to Thursday and Friday of last week (so just over a week ago now) when I went with Boyfriend, Mum, Dad and Brother to London. There were two things that we did while in London. On a windy day much earlier in the year Dad and I decided we wanted to go to the Paralympics so he booked the five of us tickets to athletics. It was a great morning. Cheering members of Paralympics GB, including watching someone win a Bronze medal. I’ve seen it tweeted that it makes us rethink the term 'dis-abled'. What an incredible group of people. Inspiring the next generation, and reminding us all that nothing is impossible. I’m also so glad to have said I’ve been there, and got the water bottle.

The night before the four of us went to see ‘We Will Rock You.’ A powerful musical set in the future where everyone lives on the internet and music is banned – which is a little silly as they all sing all the time. It talked about how High School Musical and Simon Cowell wrecked the music industry. The moving song about musicians who died young was my highlight. They obviously used ‘is this the real life’ to challenge the perceptions of the internet culture. This reminded me of one of the talks I went to at GB – the one by Vicky Beeching. She very cleverly linked social media and worship, the point that struck me most was about authenticity and the Fall – how Adam and Eve shared everything, and then hid things and re-designed themselves after the gift of knowledge. Also how we use the internet to be like God, our search to be all knowing, or hope to be omnipresent – the way we can be with all our friends all the time and never turn our phones off. Not that social media is a bad thing, but is a very interesting insight.

So maybe this is normal, it’s busy, it’s hectic, it throws or rains all sorts of surprises at me but this is real life!

growing old

I don’t know about you but I love old people. Well mostly! As a minister's daughter I spent years saying that I didn’t want to spend time with all the old fogies in the church. Then I moved to my university city and spent many Saturday mornings with a bunch of older folk. And now in my little village I go to a weekly coffee morning where I’m the youngest by two generations most weeks. By some I’ve been adopted as a granddaughter, by others I’m the techy / mobile expert. Some think it’s rude to mention the struggle they have getting on and off the toilet, others tell me of the husband’s fondness of their behind. I have some – one particularly who is probably reading this and is going to tell me off again for suggesting he is old who tells me often that it’s all about common sense, and he is right. I love the wisdom of people who were born (much) earlier than me.

Why do I tell you this you ask? Well maybe you didn’t, but I like to explain why I’m thinking what I’m thinking, or where my thinking stemmed from. Yesterday I was on my way home from a weekend with boyfriend which I will come back to in a bit. So en route I stopped in at my grandparents’ house. I got caught up on the family gossip, was fed (which was beans on toast and I have 1 and ½ slices of toast – the extra ½ to fatten me up!) and generally chatted. Now I’ve come to believe that my granny’s stories all have a thread of truth in them, but I generally after visiting Granny have to ring my parents to check I wasn’t a horrible teenager, or they aren’t upset about something from before I was born. I’ve also found that old people also sometimes don’t have the limits we would so I learnt some things that I was quite happy not knowing.

All these thoughts were embedded within a weekend of sunshine and ceremonies. Saturday was the 3rd wedding of the year (out of 5) and it was great to see boyfriend’s Uni friends get married, after a lovely ceremony where the Vicar got the groom’s name wrong and told us to remember the significance of the blue rose – which she didn’t tell us, a whole bunch of methsoccers of old went out for a lovely meal, if you ignore the small portion sizes. The evening do was lovely, more food, dancing and J20s. After dropping friends off all over the city and nearly going through a red light – I didn’t, and actually earlier in the day someone had who then nearly went into the side of me, wasn’t a great driving day really! So yeah, after dropping friends off we went back to boyfriend’s house where the laptop wasn’t working and mother-out-of-law was trying to get stuff printed.

Sunday started with church and a christening, being introduced to many of boyfriend’s friends, and being support techy. Can I just say as an aside that I love boyfriend a lot because he tapes down cables and I’m a health and safety freak. Now I’m not always a fan of christenings as it feels like the church is being used by families, making promises that they don’t mean and we can’t keep for them. However it was great to see the church so full – literally standing room only. The minister did a great service linking the family’s passion of football to prayer. I also don’t admit this often so I hope he appreciates it but maybe boyfriend was right when we discussed infant baptism the other day, maybe the church should be there and be excited that people still want a Christian ceremony to celebrate their child’s birth.

After that we went back to the local city for a festival with some more friends. It was a lovely and sunny afternoon, catch up, and I had my first ever hog roast, followed by ice cream – yummy! We said goodbye to our friends, and then boyfriend and I went out on a date night. We ate popcorn, saw ‘seeking a friend for the end of the world’ and then went to the popular restaurant that sells Italian food that boyfriend can get cheap! This led to conversations about the film, and if the world was ending what would we do, expect and all those sorts of things. Now I’m a planner, my diary is generally full of what’s happening months in advance, would I still be doing what I’ve got planned in the world was gonna end in 3 weeks time? Monday’s meeting about 3Gen in November might have been a waste of time, but then is it? When you spend time with friends, have fun, share sweets and generally be with people.

I live like I’m going to grow old, nothing is rushed – well apart from being a bit last minute. I’d love to be an old person, the freedom to say things you can’t when you are young. I don’t however want the aches and pains but that’s a different issue all together.

Maybe what I’ve learnt it to seize the day. I don’t want to live regretting things I never did, or was too busy planning the future to enjoy the present. As in the film I want to spend my days, seeking friends, seeking love and living for now.

Blue rinse and an afternoon playing dominoes

I realise a lot of my blog has been me working out what I like, or maybe more of who I am.

This morning I went to get my hair dyed and cut, it was very relaxing. I then did a quick supermarket shop - just for some things I'd run out of - like crisps and apples.
After lunch I went to the local over 60s club - where I got to play dominoes for well over an hour.
So I've had an old person day.

Yesterday afternoon I was going to blog about how doing things face to face is better than via technology, as I was going off to try and buy a present for my favourite almost 2 year old and a new cable for my sat nav from shops in the local city (yes the irony of that has only just hit me). However the shops I went to didn't have what I needed and then ended up at home buying the latter item on ebay.

I generally prefer to buy things in a shop, you know what you are getting, particularly with technology. But technology is creeping in more and more, I use self-scan cos its often quicker, and I love Oxfam online for clothes - particularly dresses.

Having said that a simple Skype call has made my day. Boyfriend is in the Holy Land this week - you can read his blog here.