I also know I'm writing from an incredibly privileged place.
Husband and I am are both well, both working in our separate offices in our safe, comfortable house. There are two of us and I couldn't imagine going through this time on my own. I do get all that.
Yesterday the trustees at the charity I work for decided to furlough the entire staff team for the month of July. The staff weren't consulted on this because the leadership seemed to believe that all the staff would jump at the chance to have a month off. But for me furlough is a gift I do not want.
I've never been good at responding to unwanted gifts, I can not hide the disappointment in my face at a gift that I do not understand or think I don't want. I am often surprised (even Rev that Husband bought me years ago might appear on my to watch list soon) and I really hope with this that it is a gift that is good for me, I just fear that it is not.
I'm scared of weeks with no structure, of no reason to be out of bed for a certain time, of endless days in my onesie, of giving up on even a weekly walk, of not having things to talk about as my work fills many of my conversations, of not having my colleagues to get alongside each morning, I'm scared I'll lose some of who I am - when I feel I've lost so much already.
It's not like there isn't things for me to do. I'm about to become a full time student again and therefore spending time reading will be really useful. I do need to pack my whole house down to move, July just feels too soon, too imposed, too out of my control. And if you are a long time blog reader you'll know staying in control is important to me, and change is difficult.
I've spent the last year exploring what God wants next for me, and its culminated in me going to theological college in September to train to be a Methodist Presbyter. I know this is the right thing, being a minister is who I am to be in the next stage of my existence. I sat in a church on Ash Wednesday and had the longing that when I return to dust I want to be a minister. I've spent the whole of last year living in the "if." Being really good at not assuming anything was going to work out till I had it on paper. What I wasn't expecting was to have three different people doing my review meetings at work 3 months in a row. The masses of staff change at work since January and of course a global pandemic have all just made this time so so strange.
I've gone from three months to go at work to realistically 6 and a half weeks, with 5 weeks off 2/3s of the way through that.
I'm sad that this is how I'm leaving the charity I've loved working for over the past four years. I'm sad that we won't get to go out for a goodbye lunch cos working in the office is still a long way off. I'm sad that I'm stuck on 2305 trains as my total for my time there. I'm sad that my July plans are going to have to be crushed into June or August.
Most of all I'm sad cos leaving is difficult and this really isn't how I wanted to leave.
