I'm yet again in a place where I'm around pregnant women, and stories of motherhood is a common topic at college through my peers, staff going on parental leave and even the liturgy and worship.
I'm pretty certain it's the pregnancy announcement that is the worst part, cos pregnant friends are still my friends, just as friends with kids, though they have different priorities are still noticeably who they have always been. And I do love other people's babies, one of the real losses of the pandemic is not getting to know my friends babies born in 2020 as well as I'd want to.
And all the things in this blog are still true, I am incredibly grateful for having time to process a pregnancy announcement. And I'm learning trigger warnings in worship are such a good thing for all sorts of things.
But worship on motherhood, or a pregnancy announcement still knock me. Make me feel jealous, and then guilty for that jealousy. And just sad in my whole being. And grumpy oh so grumpy. It is sad that my first response is never the joy that a new baby to people I love (or just happen to journey near in life) should bring. I do get there, to the joy of this new life it just takes me a bit of time.
The initial ooft catches me unaware every time, though it really shouldn't by now, but you can't have a trigger warning for a pregnancy announcement.
I also know by being in full time training (And looking younger than I am - someone said I looked too young to be a wife last Sunday...) protects me from some of the "when will you have kids questions?" That I will need to find a concise, careful answer that doesn't bring my hurt to the fore every time.
What I haven't blogged about and don't plan to is why I've not got children,
1 that's personal,
2 it's complicated,
3 I don't think it matters for the rest of the content.
Right now not being a mother is more of a choice than its felt previously but if I could change all that I would. So all you need to know is one of my greatest longings is to be a mother.
Therefore I can't speak for those who actively choose not to be a mother, that's not my story.
Someone did ask if I had kids the other day, (after we'd talked about theirs so it felt a natural next question) to which I replied a simple "no" and they then moved the conversation on, that is how is should be.
I'm writing this because every time I say something I get someone (usually a mum) who will come to me and say, wow, I needed to be reminded of this and someone else who says I feel like that too, thanks for articulating it. And if you are either of those people and you want to talk more I'm here.
Some of you will share you I felt like that and "we got our miracle", I know you are trying to give me hope but it doesn't always come across like that.
And a bit of shameless self promotion my other blogs on this topic include:
Therefore I can't speak for those who actively choose not to be a mother, that's not my story.
Someone did ask if I had kids the other day, (after we'd talked about theirs so it felt a natural next question) to which I replied a simple "no" and they then moved the conversation on, that is how is should be.
I'm writing this because every time I say something I get someone (usually a mum) who will come to me and say, wow, I needed to be reminded of this and someone else who says I feel like that too, thanks for articulating it. And if you are either of those people and you want to talk more I'm here.
Some of you will share you I felt like that and "we got our miracle", I know you are trying to give me hope but it doesn't always come across like that.
And a bit of shameless self promotion my other blogs on this topic include:
