Tradition vs feminism

So I've been engaged a whole week, and I don't think I've ever made so many decisions in such a short amount of time. Nor spent so much time either on the phone or with my parents since I lived with them. Even Fiancé has called his Mum about three times this week.

We've also had different reactions from people. Fiancé has had more friends arrange to go out and celebrate with him, whereas I've had more cards - addressed to us both but sent to me. But he's had money in cards, whereas I haven't. 

I've pondered a bit over gender differences this week. 

So here's the thing. I'm a bit of a feminist.
I told someone I was a feminist a few months ago, her response was to check I was still with my boyfriend.  I replied yes, and so she said I wasn't much of one then.
Obviously thinking all feminists are lesbians!
I'm not going into to my equality rant right now, about why I'm a feminist, you just need to know I am.

I'm also quite traditional.
It was me who told Fiancé I expected him to ask my Dad's permission. 
I expect Dad to walk me down the aisle and present me.
I'm a little sad my Mum's name and occupation won't be on my wedding certificate.

This has been the balance in my head all week.
There has been a couple of moments when I've thought and possibly even said,  I want ... and I'm the bride.
The whole debate about which church we get married in, came down to this as well, really. Though practicalities won in the end.

Maybe I want an equal marriage and a traditional wedding. Is that me wanting it all. Having my cake and eating it? What a funny phrase that is. Of course you eat the cake you have, otherwise what is the point of having cake.

I don't have answers, just yet, and I think its something I'll reflect on over and over during the next 8 months of planning - oh yeah, we have a date!

Any thoughts, comments, ideas, ponderings and support gratefully received.

This is it

When I was about 6 or 7 I went to a ballet class, and we did a show that was called "this is it" with a title song to match. We have it on video somewhere. 

This blog is it. The blog I've wanted to write for many years. The one people have been expecting when I've given other news.

It is the same with phone calls. When I was given my note to preach in feb 2010 I rang my family excited about starting the Local Preacher journey.  They were surprised I wasn't ringing to announce my engagement!

But now I am. Our families have been rung / emailed, we are facebook official and this is it, the blog of how he finally did it.

My Fiancé and I have been together for just over 5 and a half years. Meeting at a train station for MYC back in 2007 and getting together a year and a day later (via Msn) in 2008.

Years have passed and life has moved us around a bit,  but we are now at a point where we can actually see us building a life together.

Friday 4th July dawned a grey morning, after originally making plans to walk up a hill and have a picnic we decided to scrap the picnic and just take some cake with us.

As with every other time we go anywhere I'd asked Boyfriend if he was going to propose,  and if he had a ring. Replying no to both, we went off for this 2 mile walk to a little towery thing near where I live.

I made some comment about halfway up the hill if he was going to keep suggesting walks knowing I'd say yes if I thought he might propose on them. He likes walking more than I do.

We got to the top and looked at the old, now covered well, and the tower and worked out which towns and cities we could see before sitting on the bench to eat cake and take photos to prove I walked somewhere. 

Unbeknown to me, when Boyfriend got the phone out of the bag to take said pictures he also moved the ring into his hoody pocket.

Sitting back next to me on the bench he said some beautiful things, something along the lines of, you are beautiful, and amazing, and will make a wonderful wife and I love you. 
To which I replied "that would make a good proposal speech"
Next thing I know he's down on one knee with the ring out.

For someone who has wanted this very moment for years, and even thought about how to respond,  I was speechless,  shocked and said oh.
I took the ring out of the box and asked him to put it on my finger.
We kissed. And it was only a minute or so later that I realised I hadn't said yes yet. I checked with Fiancé this was the case, which it was and gave my affirmative answer.
This was when the shock of it actually happening hit me and we sat down, and took the photo of the ring before the walk home, and the visit to my mum.

So this is it.
I'm engaged!

Just watch out as this is when I become a wedding bore or worse a bridezilla.

Thanks for journeying with me so far.

Your newly fiancéed friend.

8-ish things I've learnt from my relationship

I should probably start by saying this isn't a Lent blog. So if you are expecting butterflies instead I'm sorry to disappoint you, but that will be written some point this week don't worry.

This blog started as a throw away comment to a friend after another all-to-regular phone call about my car accident about 18 months ago. My friend commented I was being amazingly patient, so I replied 'I was well practiced and that maybe I could blog, "how not having sex helps me put up with repetitive phone calls."'

You'll notice that is not what this blog is called but its where I started.

Let's start with some confessions.

• As usual I don't have answers, just more questions. But I hope to share some of my wisdom I've learnt along the way.
• Me and Boyfriend have been together 64 months and 2days today, that’s almost 5 and a half years.
• I'm a virgin. As is Boyfriend.
• There are probably many complex and deep reasons for the choices and decisions Boyfriend and I have made along the way that have got us to this point. I am by no means going to go into all of those, but here are a few things I've learnt, or what I think about things.

The L word is a big deal.

I blogged on this recently. This first time it's said it is a big deal, but it should continue to be. 'I love you' should be said as often as possible and with feeling. It doesn't have to be those exact words. For example when my dad calls me plonker at the end of a phone conversation I know he loves me.

Rules and boundaries make everything simpler in the long run

You may laugh but Boyfriend and I have a number of rules that make life simpler. Some are practical way of working long distance - if a phone call gets cut off for some reason the person who made the initial phone call is the one who rings again. The same works for setting physical boundaries - if you make them beforehand you don't end up being very confused and both getting each other's answer phone.

The important part is the communication to check rules still work. Early on it was easier to change rules, now it sometimes seems we do things because 5 years ago we thought it was a good idea. At the beginning we looked at what was ok for us then, and what we thought would be ok when we were engaged and then when married. I don't think 20 year old me thought we wouldn't be married by 25, but here we are. So revisiting rules and checking why we think and do or don't do certain things is important.

Love languages are so important

Having come across GaryChapman's love languages many years ago now, I think they show a lot about how we interact. The 5 languages are; touch, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time. Knowing both your own and that of your partner is vital to a healthy and stable love life.

Getting involved in their world

Trust is such an important part of any relationship. It can be more difficult in long distance. Jealously is something I've had to learn to deal with. Boyfriend has close female friends, one of the silly examples of when I've been jealous for no reason was just before my 21st birthday when Boyfriend was late home and I complained, only to find out, later, his friend was helping him print, cut and place the photo that lives in my locket I got for that birthday from Boyfriend.

My advice is become a part of their world; meet their friends, get to visit the places they spend their time, so you can picture where they are. Part of it may have been for selfish reasons, to warn others off, but mostly about seeing your partner in all that they are.

Patience is key

When people talk to me about patience, they sometimes mean sex, which I'll come to, but actually it's about other things for me. Waiting for Boyfriend to propose so I we can plan myour wedding. At the moment it's the living together that I'm wanting, someone to cook for, someone to come home to.

Long distance in itself teaches a lot about patience. We have been known to go up to eight (well somewhere between six and 10 we can’t actually remember) weeks without seeing each other face to face - technology obviously helps, but as touch is the primary love language for both of us, a skype chat, though lovely, is not a cuddle.

So I've learnt to be patient.

To answer my throw away comment, long distance, not waiting, is what has taught me most about patience.

Then there is sex

My mum's version of sex ed as I was growing up was "you'll wait till you're married won't you." It certainly wasn't really a question. So very early on, maybe even just before we actually got together we decided we'd wait till we got married to have sex. That was our decision for what was best for us. We have many friends who have taken different stances on this, and if that works for them then what does that have to do with anyone else. Though you are the one who's got this far in what is a very self indulgent blog about my relationship.

Maybe it's because I'm female, because I've had friends who are amazed Boyfriend has survived this long.

We aren't having sex because it's not important,  but because it is.

Maybe it's a pride thing now.

Being the good kids in a culture saturated with sex, is not always easy. But for us I think it's worthwhile. Part of  the decision is based on the belief that sex belongs in marriage. Yes the Bible teaches about adultery, which I read as sex should be within a union between two people, which is preferably marriage.

My view on marriage

For me, marriage is a journey, and on that journey different things are right at different times. In Doctor Who, the Doctor and River Song's lives are going in opposite directions. His first kiss is her last. After that in her lifetime was before that in his, so it was too early for him to kiss her.

Sex is an important part of the marriage relationship, and it has to start at some point. Facebook tells almost all of my friends, and man acquaintances that I'm in a relationship, a wedding will actually show less people my declaration of love for Boyfriend. But it's about the promises, to one other person forever,  in front of God.

In the same way we don't live together, and even when we did it was only for 3 months and we had separate space. Though to go off on that tangent, I understand the try before you buy mentality. When boyfriend moved in it was a decision and a balance between ethics and ideals with practicalities. It's good to know we can cope being in the same house though. 

Marriage is the whole package. Linking body, mind, soul, and bank account. Its making the decisions together, having someone to snuggle up with and watch a film after a rough day and someone to fall asleep in the arms of..

My last piece of advice if you can call any of this that, is be yourselves.

Be true to you and your relationship.

The Long Goodbye

Today was another goodbye! You may recall a year ago I was getting ready to leave, started saying my goodbyes and then circuit meeting decided to keep me, I was called to stay. But now, I really am on the move.

I’ve been putting off writing this blog for ages. This is blog number 99 and I wanted 100 to be special which meant not writing the one before it as then the next one had to be something important. Then I got offered a job! Which could have been blog 100 but I hadn’t written 99! I decided this evening it was about time I got back in my blog seat and update you on what is going on.

Tonight was my last youth fellowship at one of my new churches. It’s a church I love to pieces. The members there care about the children and young people and I feel valued and loved when I work with them. It is sad that today was my last evening with them.

When I got home I found a card from a couple at the Church I live closest too and preached at last Sunday.  They thanked me for my service, the address as well as the choice of hymns. They wished me well in my future. At church this morning a few people asked me about when I was leaving, and were relieved they would see me again before I go.

The next few months are full of working, packing, sorting, and hopefully buying a house – but more about that another time.

For now I’m just starting to say goodbye, the beginning of the end of this six year chapter. Thank you loyal blog reading for journeying on with me as life changes and all seems to be new again.

And as for my new job, more on that in due course. 

Simply waiting

While I was in Italy as part of our devotions we all shared something we were waiting for. Whether it be; news on a church event going on while we were away, news on the health of a relative, waiting for healing, waiting for a suitcase to arrive from the airport. Then it came to me, I could have talked about waiting to find a new job, knowing what God has as the next step, but I talked about waiting for the other side of my future, for when my relationship turns into a marriage.

Last night I went to an act of worship. I’d been involved in setting it up. However I still managed to engage with it, much better than I’d expected. We started by singing then there was space for people to go around the 14 prayer stations. I’d like to share with you some of my thoughts as I went around the stations, looking into some of the characters in the story and taking an item to represent their part of the story.

Take a piece of jewelled cloth...

... to remember Herod dressing Jesus in a fine robe and mocking him.

This led me to ponder on when I mock Jesus, when my faith is a joke, when I go through the motions thinking I’m doing it right, when all I’m doing is going through the motions.

Take a piece of wood...

                                ...  to remember Simon of Cyrene carrying the cross.

Is it me helping Jesus or Jesus helping me? What is my cross, what is my burden, what is it that I have to carry? Who journeys with me?

Take a nail...

                ... to remember the Roman soldiers nailing Jesus to the cross

An everyday item, used in an extraordinary way.

Take a shimmery blue stone...

                                 ... to remember Pilate washing his hands when he handed Jesus over to die

How often do I want to keep my hands clean? Make me dirty in your work Lord.

Take a piece of sponge...

                                ...  to remember the person who offered Jesus a drink.

Let me be the one who feed the hungry, clothes the naked, houses the homeless and quenches the thirsty.

Take a piece of rough cloth...

... to remember the criminals who died with Jesus

What can you say? Those who died with him, one who understood who he was. Jesus’ act of forgiveness while dying beside him.

Take a heart...

                ... to remember the mother Mary’s love and sorrow.

Here I prayed for friends. Mothers who have lost their children, mothers who are pregnant, mothers with new babies. A mixture of joy and sorrow – all surrounded by love.

Take a stone...

... to remember the stone that Joseph of Arimathea rolled in front of the tomb.

I took the stone to represent why Jesus needed to be there, and thought as it is rolled away everything that it took with it – death and sin, thoughts, words and deeds. Gone.

Take a strip of cloth...

... to remember Nicodemus wrapping up Jesus’ body.

A simple bandage. Plasters in children fix many things, in this case Nicodemus did all that he could.

Take a coin...

                ... to remember Judas betraying Jesus

How often do I sell out? How often is money the most important thing?

Take a feather...

                ... to remember Peter disowning Jesus three times before the cock crowed.

The completed bag

A feather, so colourful, so free and so light – I love placing one on my outstretched hand and blowing on it to make it float. Peter, Jesus’ best friend, disowning him,  saying I don’t know him. When it comes down to the line can I stand up and say yes I know Jesus? I hope so.

Take a piece of torn cloth...

... to remember Caiaphas tearing his clothes in anger.

What do I do when I’m angry, or break in spite? When things are out of my control...

Take some cloves...

                ... to remember the women who watched and waited.

I often feel like I’m always waiting for something.

By living simply during lent I’ve tried to live in the moment, not worry about what is next, what I’m longing for and waiting for. But, here we are Holy Saturday. A day of mourning and sadness. Waiting for the dawn. Waiting as we know what we celebrate tomorrow. God who holds us while we wait, be our light. Amen

PS - you may have noticed that was 13 and not 14, the final one was about the people of the world and we took a cut out person to think about where we are in the story and write a prayer on a cross.

Happy Easter.

5 years of inspiration

My little Methodist sister gave me a really fab birthday present last year –a five year journal. It has in it 366 questions and 5 gaps to answer each one. Brother and Boyfriend were discussing how long I’d last, and Brother was wrong – I got past Wednesday night. I’ve got into a routine of filling in the question when I get in to bed, before ringing Boyfriend for our nightly chat. I also read the next day’s question, in case there is something I need to look out for the next day.

Yesterday’s question is "what inspired you today?" So I tried to keep a look out for inspiration. I picked up on people’s courage, the kindness of companies and helpfulness of friends.

If only it had been today!

Today I’ve realised that I’m not grateful enough for what I have. Yes I’ve had a few interesting days with swapping hire cars – long story, tell you another day! But tonight I’ve had a very exciting email asking me to go to Europe for a planning meeting!

Life is good! Sometimes it's not, but let's remember when it is that we need to realise how special and exciting it can be.

Also, this week I’ve made a cake by myself – I kinda burnt the topping but managed to just cover it in buttons – see the photo! I also made chilli – not that that is a new thing. Tomorrow I’m planning on learning how to make soup! Wish me luck.

Hope 2013 is going well for you.

Ode to a youth event

This isn’t an Ode, but “Essay to a youth event” doesn’t have the same ring to it. It is however a very long self indulgent blog, so really don’t feel you have to read it all, but if you want to please do, or just add your own memories of the past few youth weekends.

Yesterday was the end of an era.

Not sure I would describe it is as the end of a chapter as I don’t think my life works quite like that – as so much would overlap. And it’s not the end, but that’s another story .

Disclaimer! This is going to be full of Methodist Jargon – I will try to explain as I go along and may also be repeating stories I’ve told before, but sometimes you have to hear everything together.

Firstly, it was my birthday last week, that is important – but I’m not going to focus on that today, another blog there too.

When I started writing this blog I was sitting watching Strictly and eating take away (which I paid for despite it being Boyfriend’s turn to cook!) Yes, I thought I’d tell you as it’s always nice to know there is a happy ending. But I’m going to start my story about 11 years ago. The weekend of my 13^th birthday. Donkey Derby was my first link to MAYC (as it was then) and Connexional Methodism, with the youth weekend. 

Skipping forward to summer 2006, a very important conversation happened as someone turned up at my front door trying to persuade me to go to Methodist Youth Conference (MYC). If I’d decided not to bother I think know my life would have been completely different. You’ll see!

So November 2006 a week after my 18^th birthday I went off to Norwich in a car with two lads from my district. My memories include a youth pres in bright trousers, discussions on the Godfrey Report – with the exec members taking their tops on and off a lot! The posh meal on the Saturday night, lending an ecumenical rep my towel, sleeping on a school floor – and getting quite a bit of sleep. Being supported to go for exec – by lovely district boys. Hustings with questions about potatoes and streetlights, being voted on – and the moment the returning officer came to tell me I’d been voted in, the funny moment in the handover when the VP muscled in, and talking to the new youth pres on the stairs queuing for lunch.

5 exec meetings (including the legendary car journey with step by step 2 and the Save Methodist Youth Work petition...) and some YPS reference group meetings later and we were on the way to Cardiff. This was also the start of my fairytale. This was where I met Boyfriend; due to others being delayed I was the first to arrive at the station where I first saw him – he’d seen me a year earlier during Hustings in the big chairs that made me look even smaller than I am. That weekend is a blur of spending hours at the station, finishing the presentation about the YPS for the next morning – which included Harry Potter - and discussions that led to DYEs being suggested as a name for the employed people. There was pizza, worship, business, I even remember being told of by the chair for not being in the right place. This was the year we didn’t vote for a Youth Pres and gained 5 new exec members – most of which were new boys – rather than the experienced girls we were expecting.

Another year of Youth Exec meetings, Breakout, and speaking at Big Conference just before the big YPS vote.

Northampton was the last ever MYC. A strange event for many reasons. For one boyfriend and I got together less than a week earlier and no one knew. Little exec sister had made me a shell cake that those in the office enjoyed. The vote for the new Youth Pres was very close and was tricky for the exec to vote for – being between two of our own. We had workshops; I ran the “understanding MYC” session 3 times, as the first one started an hour early so had to do two more at the designated times. We launched the campaign for the Methodist Nunnery – as the mock resolution. My teddy sat on the main desk. And all of the exec girls (except maybe the new Youth Pres) and probably some of the lads cried through worship as we were the last ever exec. There was also lots of dancing that year, the returning officer was disappointed cos there was no custard and the exec all got dressed up very smart –the pampering in one of the girls’ rooms was great fun. I was driven to and from this weekend and was grilled on the way home about my relationship that was now out in the open.

It was at this point I decided that I needed some time out, so I took myself off the YPS reference group. The summer of 2009 I was asked if I would co-run the detached youth work team at Breakout the following summer and help facilitate at the first Youth Assembly (MYA). This led to some late night driving across England for the planning weekend of Durham.

Mid November arrived and so did more floods, but my car half full of delegates – as others wouldn’t come as their parents didn’t trust my car to get us to Durham –we did fine,  arrived late Friday evening at Durham. I must say this weekend is probably the low of the story. I know some young people enjoyed it, but it felt like a backward step – looking back what we had done was thrown the baby out with the bath water, wanting to move away from MYC to something new we lost something. This event also included tears, these more in frustration. Due to no one’s fault we didn’t have a full time youth pres to preside over the event, so much of it was adult led, the youth pres elections were very complicated and I remember a number of us were annoyed there was no grace at mealtimes! We learnt a lot that year. There were good moments too – late on the Saturday when the 18pluses who were staying on site (as many had to be put into a local hotel as the event was over booked accidentily) we ate ginger birthday cake out of a glass bowl, and talked about the usual Methodist geeky stuff.

Then we came to Breakout 2010 – another last. Though me and Oggy had a fab weekend with the Linkies, many of my memories were from the campsite rather than the event grounds, but one memory that will last a life time is when we turned the orchard into my late night garden, with tea lights in jam jars and LED balloons. It was truly special, the conversations, the games, the whole experience. All too soon the event was over and it was then that I was done with volunteering for the Methodist Church for a while.

MYA 2010 in Swindon was my first since 2006 that I didn’t have a job.  I missed having the office to hang out in, but I didn’t miss the stress. The train journey had been interesting.  The highlights included spontaneous and slightly rebellious worship that the VP’s Husband joined us for. I’m pretty sure this was a cry-free year! This was the first time I felt old - I had just graduated and being in a session about the future with 16 year olds was tricky. I also remember sitting in a window on a value continuum about Presidency. This was the first year we trialed the voting pads – who wants to be a millionaire style, and the team forgot Wales existed. I went this year wanting to be good enough that I wouldn't have to go again if I didn’t want to. After Durham I felt like we’d ruined MYC and replaced it with something worse, however after Swindon I knew there was still work to do, but that it would be as good (while being totally different) if not better than MYC.

Fast forward another 12 months and 3Generate (3Gen) was born  - the new name for Children and Youth assembly, starting at the age of 9 and going up to 23. So off we went to Ludlow railway station for a new way of working – this time as a member of the 18+ stream – and still not volunteering, but with a very different and distinct role- as the girlfriend of a Youth Pres candidate. I arrived late after a train journey that involved ukulele worship and so we missed the evening worship to eat food. I remember not sleeping well due to one room mate (mentioning no names – well not that I ever do, but you know) snored both nights. The sessions were challenging and I still have the final evaluation on my fridge, challenging me to be real – something I was challenged on in the preaching session and I meant to look into what I can do about Poverty. However my big thing that came out of that weekend, which led to me crying through most of worship including getting communion off the district chair who very delicately held my hand for a little longer than normal when handing me the bread and scaring an OPP as she handed me the wine, was planning for the future. Due to the fact Boyfriend did not become Youth Pres 2012/3 the future had been thrown open once again, at this point neither of us had a job past April. It was the next day that he started his Christmas temp job at his local pizza making restaurant. Just like to say what fab chaplains we have!

It was just after this that I decided I’d had enough years off and was ready to once again volunteer for the event. So I joined the 18+ planning group. I was also invited as a youth worker to join the 8-17s consultation group, as this was the new way of getting the children and young people to plan the event.

So Friday finally rolled up and off I went to get a bus, 2 trains and a minibus to somewhere not very far from a place I used to call home. After checking in, being shown to my room by a hansome steward, designing a mug, finding some tea it was time to go to the all2gether and be2gether, the funky names for the opener for everyone and worship, we were in gen groups – I was facilitator of gen group 26! (Which has just occurred to me that that was something we’ve played with over years - like the dinner tables at Durham, and is something that was very MYC.) After that we watched some of Children in Need, then bed!

Saturday started with me getting up first, having a shower and making a cup of coffee before breakfast, where I had cereal! Then me and my co-worship leader led worship and I did the longest notices ever and we played human bingo with a twist. We heard Mumford and Sons sing I will wait, and I believe the aim was for us to think about us waiting on God, but for me the night before I’d kinda been winded by God’s presence – just like whoosh! Wow God is here! So for me was like God singing I will wait to me, that he’s always there waiting for me to engage, not intrusive but patiently waiting for me, for us to want to be with him. This was followed by a very interesting session about living sustainably and everyone I’ve spoken  to about what they were taking away from the weekend who talked about the input mentioned this session. The video about the no impact man was so incredible, could you imagine not using lifts, trains, the tv for a whole year? Apparently it brought the family closer together, but wasn’t always easy.  After the bacon butty break we got into the cohabitation session, this again was really interesting discussing our definition of cohabitation and looking at some case studies, obviously with such a topic you have to be careful with what you say, unfortunately Boyfriend (who was leading this session) told everyone I couldn’t enter the quiz as ‘I’ve already done it with her.’ The laughter started when someone realised what he said and it slowly went around the room with me getting redder and redder. After this was lunch – a rather unappetising chicken casserole. After that it was time to set up for the justice village, when one of my MWiB friends came to join me to talk to young people about Children Unite, to get people to sign gloves, draw around their hands and find out more about child domestic workers. This did mean I missed grill the youth pres candidates’ session.

After setting down the justice village I arrived a few minutes late to the relationships sofa chat. It was great that young people can share experiences, questions and confusion while throwing a duck around the room. A nice chat with the expert facilitator about another event I had seen him at was very helpful, and then off to tea which was very quiet as we were eating later than the younger groups. Then there was a session that never happened followed by a chat about the day, which led to conversations slightly later about how we adapt the event to what people want. We left the room so that some people could pray and had time to chat with people before it was time to go on the bouncy slide / assault course, where I raced twice without my glasses and came 2^nd both times –out of 2, with my competitor finishing before I’d even got to start the last climbing wall / slide. I also hurt my hip.

After this the exciting late night chats happened, a group choosing not to go to worship but instead try and tease out what we thought God was saying about what we had to do – in this case using our passion as a form of discernment, pushing on doors to see if things were possible. Thats all I’ll say now but things are afoot. I went to bed late after staying up till Boyfriend was allowed to go to bed then late night chats in our bedroom, about boys, the day, voting, Methodism, and other such things you’d expect in a girls dorm.

Sunday morning felt very early, we stripped beds, packed, saw a beautiful view over the misty lakes and got our cooked breakfast J. Then it was time for voting, before going off to our own 18+ room for the final session about PEGs – Personal reflections on the weekend, what we are going to take to our home church Environment and how that is all held together by God the hinge. The planning team then read the evaluation forms, seeing what we thought we had totally planned was not understood the way we saw it, but hey, that event management for you.

Closing worship was fab, time in our Gen Groups looking at the covenant prayer, that I know I’ve blogged on before, and I only very nearly cried once – when asked what I had taken from the weekend. And communion in mixed groups which meant I got to sit between two good friends, one who gave me the bread and the other the wine – as I was opposite the chaplain who had started with both. Worship over it was time for food, and the long goodbyes. I also went in hunt of my mug, that I had to go though the bin to get back. We left the venue on a bus of friends, got the 3 trains back, and even though it was 9 minutes late we made our first connection as the train we needed was behind it! I got Hot Chocolate at the station I hate the most, and then walked very fast across local city to get the bus, and home about 6ish! Boyfriend who I’d told had to cook tea as he got home an hour before me decided we would order take away. My mum rang and I mumbled about being tired down the phone at her, so she said she’d ring another time, and I went off to bed. Shattered after a very long but amazing 6 year journey.

If you have made it to this point then you deserve a medal! At 2828 words this is my longest blog ever I’d think. I assume if you’ve got this far you are part of the journey somewhere so thank you got your part and here’s to the future, cos you never know what might happen next!

Back to Earth with a Bump!

There are sometimes in life when something happens and everything else has to revolve around that. It’s usually something major, and generally life changing – but sometimes it’s just a small thing. My next few blogs are going to be about one thing that happened. The ideas are written down the side of a Sudoku book and might be five blogs, or might just be two or three if I condense them.

But this blog is just the start, setting the scene so to speak.

Last Thursday night despite everything that Thursday threw at me (and that story will be in another blog in this series – you’re getting interested now aren’t you) I managed to drive over to my parents’ house to do the final prep and pick up the important things – like my brother and the camping stove, ready to drive to Greenbelt in the morning.

For those of you who don’t know Greenbelt is a Christian Arts and Justice Festival, held at Cheltenham Race Course on August Bank Holiday weekend. This was my 4th year there.

I go for a number of reasons:

Friends! Firstly it’s an event that I get to see many of my Methodist friends at. I also bought tickets for a group of 12 and most of us camped together which was really nice. As well as randomly bumping into people (interesting use of word there – totally different bump to that in the title, it’s my blog so I get to reflect as I go along ok?) It is always nice for the prearranged hot chocolate, and orange juices with people, catching up and three times meeting friends’ new girlfriends.

Worship – Now I know I’ve said before that I go to a number of different festivals throughout the year and worship isn’t the first thing I think of usually when planning my greenbelt, however this year had two worship highlights for me. Firstly communion, I love sharing bread and wine with family, friends and strangers alike, as well as blowing bubbles, doing silly action songs and reflecting on seeds. As well as the challenge to ‘Bring ‘em all in to my heart’ when singing about the lost and the least. Secondly was Andy Flan and his powerful worship, for which Boyfriend felt a bit unprepared as I cried over him for quite a while. Sometimes life is sad, I was having one of those evenings last night too. I love being a part of the sisterhood that is MWiB, but as you get when you bring people and in this case women together life happens and pain is there. The leadership in our movement are generally having a rough (understatement) time. I’ve struggled recently to get my head around death, struggled with God, I struggled at Soul Survivor with some of the imagery often used in regards to the Holy Spirit. So after the story of the woman at the well, who was so hurt yet loved by Jesus I knew I had to let God in, and I wept. Crying for a future that will never happen, a family travelling the hard road of grief, and for myself, to enter back into God’s loving arms, to be held and loved as the Child of God I am.

Talks. GB has some brilliant speakers, some I agreed with, some I disagreed with, some who I thought were just brave to turn up. I was challenged in my opinion on the Press and Leverson. I learnt about ethical weddings – and not only did Boyfriend suggest I attend that one, he also came with me! (think when I do eventually get married then the ethicalness of my wedding will appear in a blog them – that will be another time when my whole life will revolve around something) I enjoyed Vicky Beeching’s talk about social media and worship, and will come back to that in another blog. It was also great to see Boyfriend being interviewed about his trip to Israel/Palestine.

Music. Apart from Paul Bell who I love a lot there wasn’t much music I had intended to go out of my way to see. I did however enjoy The Proclaimers, Bellowhead, Fischy music and of course Folk On.

Film. Now this is Brother’s fave part of greenbelt I think. I joined him for the Film Review of the Year which I enjoyed last year too, and having only seen about five or so films this year and Gareth Higgins liked most of them I think I did well. With Cousin 5, her Boyfriend, Brother’s friend (why are we playing around me?)and Cousin 5’s friend from Spring Harvest, we entered the film quiz, under the name ‘The Lord of the Quizes’ and came about middle which was good as we guessed most and refused to take part in the singing round. Brother and his friend (Wawpam) were also busy helping the people from the BBC with some of their film events and even saved the day with Brother’s Mac when other technology failed. This all lead to something very exciting that I will tell you about in the next paragraph – so not so long to wait.

Comedy and poetry. I’ve clumped these together. Harry Baker and other poets did a brilliant job, I particularly liked the female poets at the Woken Spured event. This year I’ve been to less comedy than other years. I did start this year with Paul Kerensa talking about Climate Change, in a informational and funny way. Then every day ended with Last Orders, it was mostly funny though ‘as the actress said to the bishop’ was just awful! Each night was different but my highlight has to be Sunday night when Brother and Wawpam got to go on stage and explain about the film competition. After saving 18 seats, and going back to find the memory card for the camera and Mum even staying up late to watch it, Brother, Wawpam and their Hawaiian shirts talked to about 3200 people! Very Proud Big Sister Moment! Having said that when we were walking back to the tents after that my piggy backpack got more comments that Brother did, but that’s the fickleness of fame for you!

Camping and mud. I love camping, I could have done without so much of the mud and rain that caused it, or the leaky tents by the end of the weekend. But all in all it was a fab time.


So after leaving Paradise – the theme of the weekend, I dropped Cousin 5 off at the train station and started to drive to Chepstow. And that’s when a van went into the back of my car. BUMP!

Big Steps and Stillness

There are some times in my life when it feels like God is really trying to teach me something. Though sometimes when you have those life changing experiences you need to remember them, and particularly my blog (in general, not just this post) is about that – remembering what I’ve learnt or thought about.

I’m not really sure what started this blog post – it may have been something I read on Jill Baker’s blog but I was thinking as I drove through Wales on Friday about moments of stillness. There is one part of the journey, driving through a valley (obviously said with the welsh accent) that the radio goes off, and it’s just me and my thoughts.

At one of my many interviews this year I was asked about my hobbies and I talked about training for the 5k, blogging, and how I enjoy driving. They – the interview panel – commented that these were all individual activities, ones that I do on my own, and asked if I was contemplative. Now I currently live alone – well kind of, I’m currently looking after a lot of animals for some friends / colleague. Living alone means that my spare time is used up by myself, I’ve already talked in other blog posts about how connected I am, and how I’m never really lonely.

I’ve not always lived alone. I learnt a lot about myself when living with people. I had a friend staying with me for quite a while earlier this year and their stuff has all been moved out today to make room for my next house guest.

On Sunday morning the preacher (Rev David Easton of Island Parish fame) was talking about finding stillness, times to focus on God, for some people that’s by being in the beauty of creation, for others is a holy place, for some it needs to be silent, for others that is distracting.

I was in Wales this weekend for the wedding of two of Boyfriend’s Housemates from University. Now over the past 15 months Boyfriend and I have been to 8 weddings. They have all been very different but I must say this weekend has to be one of my favourites, plus Boyfriend’s University Town will always be a special place.

I spent yesterday getting my house ready for Boyfriend to move into the spare bedroom. I’ve spent a lot of time working out what all this means, and we’ve spent time working out some ground rules. There are two things that worry me about living with Boyfriend; being too much like a married couple and falling out completely. My last no distance relationship only lasted a few months and that was years ago.

No one can accuse me and Boyfriend of rushing into marriage for one thing, and it worries me that by living together that when we get married that will be the only difference, so I’m taking steps to ensure it’s my house that he’s staying in, we have separate bedrooms and it is only short term. So if anyone knows of a place Boyfriend can live please let me know!

Like when we have to find places of stillness to listen to God it is really important to have moments when we talk about the serious things in our lives, set the ground rules and work out how we fit our ideals to the practicalities that life throws at us.

The Plan

Warning – my proof reader has described this blog as messy, I think this is because I’m still working through this – or I’m still shattered from Soul Survivor. I think it helps make the point I’m working towards, even if I don’t totally get to where I think I’m going, this is one of those posts where I’m leaving you to work out the ‘moral of the story.’


God’s plan isn’t always our plan.


If you’d asked me 5 or so years ago, I was going to uni to meet my future husband, get married when I graduated and live happily ever after. I think I even had a life plan, working out when I’d have my 4 children working around the summers that Breakout would happen...

I was partially right, I did meet my boyfriend during the uni years, he just didn’t go to my uni. And actually I’ve had more boyfriends from his uni (two) than my own (none).

You will probably know I recently had seven interviews in eight weeks. I’m now very good at the rejection phone call. It’s been hard but I think I’ve learnt a lot. This came to an end when my Circuit decided they couldn’t continue without me and talked about and finally agreed to keep me on, upgrading my Circuit hours to full time and therefore ending my searching.

This was strange, I was so ready to move on, for a change. But no, I was called to stay. It didn’t make much sense at the time.

However! Or maybe 'But God’...

While I was away at Soul Survivor, Boyfriend was busy going to an interview which would mean he’d get to work, and therefore live, close by. And yes he got it!
So now it all makes sense, I needed interviews to know what I was lacking, I need to stay so boyfriend could get his new job which should be a great stepping stone in his career.

So there you go. It’s always nice when God’s plan becomes obvious.
Though there’s a part of me that’s in shock. Not that I didn’t believe God knew what (s)he was doing, but that this wasn’t part of my plan. I was never expecting to live near (or with – but that’s a totally different blog post) boyfriend, my plan was always going straight from long distance to marriage. I’m not complaining at all, I’m excited about being so close, and now have new things to plan!


PS – something this year that has gone to plan was that I passed my grade 5 theory in music!!!!

6 months on...

Hello loyal blog reader, nice to be back, I’ve been meaning to blog for a while but my life was a bit like going round in circles. But then it wasn’t. Life has a habit of throwing things at you, never more than you can handle, but always something. Or at least that’s how my 2012 has felt. But we are now 6 months in so it’s about time for a recap.

So I’m failing on some things, chocolate is one of those things – but clothes I’m doing well on! Let's check the list!

1, Get fitter and healthier - In a number of ways.
a, Walk / run - aiming to do a 5k run for charity by the end of the year,
b, Do more exercise in general - mainly on the Wii as well as walking.
c, Have a better daily routine - including eating breakfast more often.
2, Blog more - I'm not saying how regularly, but more often!
3, Worry less about the future!!! 2012 is gonna be scary but worrying helps no one!
4, Stop being so obsessed with marriage.
5, Be more fair trade:
a, Only buy clothes that are fair trade or second hand
b, Give up non-fair trade chocolate.(Now that is the really difficult one and I've already failed once as I forgot - will ask Brother for tips!!)
6, Be wiser with money.
a, Reviewing giving - not give less but do more with what I give.
b, Review my spending.
c, Make more sandwiches / packed lunches rather than buying them.
7, Pray More! Lancashire district are having a year of prayer I'm hoping to get involved in a number of ways! First plan is to say grace more often before meals. Maybe find a spiritual director.

So 1a – I did my race for life 5k, in 42 minutes!!! Raised £200 (if you include gift aid) you can still sponsor me at – https://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/rachic11
1c – well I had breakfast this morning!
2- well I’ve blogged more! Just not a lot recently
3 – I’ll come back to this later.
4 – fail!! Which I knew I would so replaced with grade 5 theory! Which I took in one very random weekend – day before the 5k, still waiting to hear how I did...
5 – a pass, b fail!

6 – hmm, well I bought accident insurance today – they obviously rang when I was feeling fragile.
7 – yeah, @yr_of_prayer is really helping 


So the future!

Well I had 7 interviews in 8 weeks and was about to implode, but then I got a call from my circuit boss asking if the circuit meeting agreed would I stay another year! So after my brain exploded and circuit meeting agreed I can now say I’m staying where I am for a further 12 months.

I’ve spent a lot of time recently reflecting on being called to stay! I was expecting to have to move, to be sent, or even to be without a job, but now I’m staying. I thought I was about to start the next race, but actually I’ve just passed another milestone – on the 5k there was a sign very kilometre on the route, it was such a relief to see the 1k earlier than I was expecting. My job will be changing slightly so I’ll have to change my way of working – more local stuff, more children’s work.

There is other stuff going on, but I’m not very good with words, and songs say things better than I can. I’ve been clinging to the words of Faithful One, and remembering I’m part of a bigger community. I love that there are people who are there to hold me when I cry, or let me use their shower – had many boiler issues over the past month. In my car at the moment is an Andy Flanagan cd which includes the song – Fragile, written about the tsunami in 2004 but has been a comfort to me this past week.
Life and death are so hand in hand. On Monday my youth group were having a bbq at a farm, we had a tour and saw a calf that had been born that morning. New life. Death reminds us that this is not forever, that life in the grand scheme of things isn’t very long, but means that we have to live each day, spend it with those we love, doing what we love, being who we are called to be.

So here I am, not moving, called to stay. Trying to be the best me, in the time that I have, working towards the next milestone. Much of the past 12 months have revolved around the word Bambelela which when all is well feels like a carnival word, but maybe it’s more like supercalifraglisticexpealidosiuos – the word to say when there is nothing else. Bambelela, Never give up, Christ is our hope.

Wait

On Sunday night we had a Local Preachers accreditation service, and I’ll come back to why this is my second favourite service of the Methodist calendar (after Covenant) later. Therefore it was a Circuit service at a chapel, there was lots of very good cake which meant standing around and talking to people, which I also love! But I had the same conversation about 15 times. Almost all of which ended ‘well it’s good you are getting interviews.’ Now I don’t want to knock it as I love being part of such a caring community but by the end I needed a t-shirt printing with my tour dates on the back, and maybe a PS of – 'I’m shattered!'

This led to a discussion with someone about getting a t-shirt and all the front needed to say was ‘not yet’ and this started me thinking, how would I describe my life right now. Back in Feb at the well retreat I’d labelled the current phrase as the ‘Pizza Hut Years’ (though boyfriend has only worked there six months.) 'Not yet' sums up my life rather well. It works for most questions I get asked at the moment, and actually while I’m job hunting people have stopped asking the engagement question – well mostly anyway.

There are times in life when wait feels like the right answer and times when it's really annoying. I believe God answers all prayer, sometimes it’s yes, sometimes it’s no and sometimes it’s not yet, wait. I guess you could link this to traffic lights, red=no, amber= wait, and green = yes. There are some traffic lights near the local university that the amber light has gone, makes you realise how important the wait part is. My call to Local Preaching was like that. I think it was May 3 years ago that I first felt called to train to be a local preacher. My calling is very much linked to another preacher and friend. It was watching her preach that I knew that I could do that, but was certain that it wasn’t yet. It was only 9 months later at her Accreditation service that I felt that now was the time – my first thought being ‘drat God!’

As with everything else in the world at the moment, I’ll use a sports analogy. I feel like I’m waiting round at the start of the race, maybe being told to be on my marks. But there’s no way I’m getting set just yet. I think when I do know where I’m going next then I’ll feel more like I’m not waiting, and then I have a feeling my last 2 and a bit months (or whatever when I’m at that point) will fly by.
I’m happy to wait on God, knowing that it’s in the gaps that God prepares us for what is next. As I said in my No post, there were times when turning down things is right, ready for the next yes.

So I’m on my marks, I don’t know where I’m going, or even how long the race is, but I’m ready and waiting. And as it is said it's not the destination it’s the journey.

So over to you! I’d love to know if you were to describe your life right now what phrase you would use.

more coats and shoes - dressed for life

I started this blog on Thursday and was just going to write about it being Christian Aid week, but got distracted from blogging by Question Time Bingo, which was very fun and so have returned to it today and want to bring something of this morning's service in too.

This week has been very busy! Not as busy as it was meant to be as I missed Youth Work Summit yesterday as I needed a day to rest and stop being so ill – I’m a pathetic ill person but don’t worry I’m not going to blog about that again.

I drove over 500 miles in just over 24 hours Tuesday / Wednesday.

Did more job hunting stuff

Did my job – though that did mean I bumped into my favourite 2 year old for a kiss and a cuddle.

And did my Christian Aid week delivering and collecting.

Last year was the first time I'd been a collector for this brill charity, and I was really looking forward to it, getting to meet my neighbours. This year was just as fun, people knew when I knocked on their door what I was after which made things easier and only had one person challenge me on what Christian Aid do with the money – his plan was to (please excuse my English) “shoot the bloody dictators” to ensure the money got to the people who needed it.

I don’t have a tv in my bedroom. For this reason cos I’ve been feeling a bit ill and grumpy I’ve spent a lot of time this week in bed rather than in my living room, and therefore I’ve been listening to music rather than watching tv in the background. One of my favourite singers at the moment is Paul Bell and I have 2 of his cds – yeah I’m rather old school when it comes to music. One song that I’ve been reflecting on and I thought of during today’s service is ‘Same Planet, Different World’ I encourage you to listen to it here. Its like the #middleclasswoes on twitter.

Sometimes life feels like it’s just a bit much. We all go through different things, how can I really complain when there are people starving in Africa, or being burnt in acid baths for being witches.

The service today went on to talk about shoes. Someone before the service commented to their neighbour that someone had left their shoes in the middle of the front, something similar happened to me when I’d hung 3 coats on the pulpit, it all became clear later. In job hunting many people have come out with Christian Clichés about doors and in God’s time, and I thank you for trying, but I don’t need your pretty clichés (posh, pretty shoes that are not good when the going gets tough) – I need your time, and support and hugs (practical trainers). On my notice board I have a postcard that someone gave me a couple of years ago and they didn’t write anything but drew a heart and their name, and that means more to me. I was prophesied over at Soul Survior last summer and one of the people said they saw a picture of coats and how we have different coats for different times and seasons, ones that fit us and the situation we are in at that time. I know I'm in a time where I'm working out which coat I need next.

The line repeated by one preacher today (we had a rather ace double act and it was so great for lay and ordained people working together in harmony) was from the John 17 passage – Jesus prays ‘I am not asking you to take them out of the world but to protect them.’

That's what I needed to hear today. Being a Christian isn’t about being wrapped up in bubble wrap, but about running the race, going for it. The example used was that of an egg and spoon race around the church, with people helping out by opening doors. God gives us the people to help out along the way.

My final thought ish – and I am about to stop promise cos I’ve just got onto page 2 of my word file, comes from Adrian Plass, he was given the phrase ‘Nothing is wasted.’ God uses everything we go through, the rubbish he turns into manure so we can grow further and better. He said he had to pass it on as he isn’t given anything from God for him to keep – now that is wisdom.

I’ve also recently been reflecting on the Covenant prayer a lot recently. In January when I said it everything I was doing was for God, working, looking after a homeless friend, local preaching. And now I’m job hunting, with the possibility of being jobless and having to move back in with my parents. And yeah it does worry me, but I don’t want a get me out of here card, I know that God will protect me, and use what happens to me, to further the work He does in me.

So again I pray the prayer of covenant.

‘I am no longer my own but yours.
Put me to what you will,
rank me with whom you will;
put me to doing,
put me to suffering;
let me be employed for you,
or laid aside for you,
exalted for you,
or brought low for you;
let me be full,
let me be empty,
let me have all things,
let me have nothing:
I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things
to your pleasure and disposal.
And now, glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
you are mine and I am yours.'

All Change

Before we begin, I'm not going to say sorry, but I am going to warn you
a, my proof reader is away
b, this is long and rambley
c, it makes sense to me, and its my blog and I'm in control here, but if it doesn't for you hopefully normality will be returned on the next blog.



Life often seems to go in waves.
Let me give you an example, in the last few years I've known many church people who were turning 40, then this year my friends who are still in their 30s seem to all have been married 10 years - well 3 couples at least.
Or in youth work, you may have a group of 11 year olds join the youth club and you work with them for 5 years and in that time get some kids who are 2 or 3 years younger, but not one year younger.
Live goes in waves.

Last time I remember feeling like everything was changing and I was out of control of it was at the about October 2010 - I know the timing as I remember sitting in a certain bedroom. 2010 I had 5 addresses, at work we were going through the starts of the changes to form the new circuit that now exists. So I was moving house a lot, and changing line manager, and generally feeling a bit out of control of everything.

Now I think for me this is the thing. Change can be exciting, for example I was instrumental in the end of MYE and the formation of the DYEs. That was exciting change, those of you who knew me in 2007/2008 will know the YPS steering group was my main passion. Though I know it also stressed me out a lot. (I apologise for the Methodist jargon and whichever ground rule that was!)

My issue isn't change, it's control. I am a control freak.

I may have said this before but when I'm feeling out of control I like to go for a drive, it calms me down as I know at that time I'm in control of my car, speed, direction etc. and linking back to one of the MWiB blogs I did, getting lost by myself is less stressful than getting lost of the Sat Nav and me disagreed as then I'm not in control.


Anyway back to present day. I'm yet again at a place where everything is changing. There have been a few announcements in the past week about people moving on, and I know that if I find a job I could be the other end of the country or even in Wales.
Just feels like at the moment the wave is all about change.
The CD in my car currently is Andy Flannagan and my fave song on this cd has the line - 'we are changed to be the change you promise'

My aims for 2012 were meant to change me, make me healthier, fairer, and more talented. But again they were changes I wanted to make.

I know sometimes I can't be in control and hopefully God is - depending on the interviewers understanding of God's will.
We don't go through this alone, and we don't go through it without reason. Today I challenged young people to change their communities, their prayers for the world covered most of the map and I am constantly amazed at young people's commitment to prayer and to action.
We watched a clip from Evan Almighty where he is talking to God (Morgan Freeman!!) and God laughs at his plans. Makes me think that as much as I want to be in control, that God needs to be ultimately in charge, maybe that's why everything feels so change-y, cos I need to let go of control. There's kinda a boat at see image in my head and I need to stop trying to steer in a storm and give God control.

I guess what worries me is I feel stressed when I'm not in control and someone else is - maybe that's why I get travel sick (hmm, sorry random tangent will think about that elsewhere). Maybe my prayer needs to be for God's peace to take hold. For God to calm the storm in my worries as well as the storm of change - or at least guide me safely through.

And peace brings me on to Boyfriend...

Boyfriend has had a ... day (I don't know what the word is as I don't think he knows yet really). Its hard to see someone you love, who is so far away, and you can't talk to go through something that looks difficult. But I know its life changing, and he's being changed to be the change God promises. I just prayer that as he sleeps tonight he will be rested for the rest of the week, be refreshed fro the next day and be transformed further so God can use him to be the change in this World

Worship on the Sabbath

I love the fact God is bigger than a worship style!

I've had a very Sabbathy Sunday. Starting with all age worship led by Duggie Dug Dug, including being a puppeteer again! I spent most of the morning on the floor at the front with kids climbing all over me, dancing and calling people funky. Was great to be free, and able to worship. Then I got a signed copy of Doug's latest CD.

After picking up some lunch I went to see my cousin for the afternoon. We caught up on life, reminisced about chair moves and all things stewards and played a card game. All the things Sunday afternoon should be about - especially when we share favourite pizza toppings!

Then off I went back to church for a Taize service. This is the first one I've been to at church and I loved the repetition, the silence and the light. I've got 3 friends on my heart at the moment, going through rough times and I lit a candle especially for one of them at the end of the service. The 10 minute silence near the end flew by, I had to concentrate to get children's action songs out of my head. I used to think in tweets, though since I've started blogging my thought process has developed into blog topics. I was thinking about this blog, and my life, and what is next, moving or not, working or not. The next few months are going to be a very exciting but scary time.

Something I've been picking up in worship a lot recently is the idea of light, and light overcoming the darkness. In a talk about slavery last weekend at MWiB this verse was used in a Mexican wave style - the light will shine in the darkness and the darkness will never overcome it. Tonight was totally lit by candles and it is so lovely to set the atmosphere that way.

I'm preparing to blog every day at www.mwib.org.uk this week. The first post will be about who I am, my identity. This is something that has shaped a lot of my thoughts recently. Who am I? What makes me who I am? When my whole life seems to be changing what remains? And today in the context of worship, who am I? I love kids worship songs, actions and all, I love silence, candles, chants, I love conversations and communion, I love prayer stations and late night prayer rooms. I go to Soul Survivor, Spring Harvest and Greenbelt. I'm me in all of these. I'm real. Worship isn't worship if its not real.

I'm just glad that God is still the same God, whether I'm dancing or sitting, kneeling or waving my arms in the air. I'm still discovering who I am but God is God. Amen.

clothes, lights and graces

How is it that we manage to turn relatively small things in to big things?

I'm not really into fashion - actually if anything now a days I try to buy all my clothes from charity shops or fair trade traders but some how deciding what to wear has always been complicated. Back in my days at sixth form - which was the first time I really had to choose what to wear regularly my mum used to come in to my room every night and help me decide what to wear the next day.

Back in 2009 I was on placement in a school and spent quite a bit of time talking to my supervisor about clothes in relation to power, as a non-teacher I had a different relationship with the pupils, they called me Rachel for example, but my clothes also reflected that - so much so that one day a was told off for sitting on a windowsil by someone who thought I was a sixth former. Though at my own high school I got told off for wearing trainers with black trousers and jumper as I looked like a KS4 pupil when I was a sixth former and allowed to wear trainers.

I've spent a disproportionate amount of time in the past 26 hours thinking about what I will wear tomorrow, strange isn't it?

The other small think that happened today was that one of the bulbs went in my house and consequently I had to find the fuse box as it had blown the whole lights system. Might sound small and insignificant, but was a first for me.

I asked someone earlier why we make small things so big, and his response was something along the lines of cos we have control of it, and he was right. This past weekend I was at a conference which I'll go into properly soon, but of all the jobs I had that weekend saying the grace before tea/dinner on Saturday night was the thing that stressed me most, just like deciding what to wear. I think that's cos I have control of it, and it's something I can prepare. I know I'm a bit of a control freak, in the bossy way rather than a perfectionist, but I'm also a know it all, and always have been.

This is yet another blog where I've got to this point and realised I don't have an ending, I could go down the line of handing it all to Jesus, and not worrying. Or use the illustration of a feather in the wind, floating gently.
But instead I will just say night night, I survived grace and have my clothes sorted for tomorrow and the rest will just have to be what it is, and hopefully I can be the best me I can be.

Identity, Coats and Disney

I started this blog on Saturday, but wasn't sure it was right and had a sermon I was meant to be writing. That evening I was talking to a friend about why it's easier to blog than to sermon, and I decided it's cos I can talk about me more, though my blogs often end up with God. To hear more of my sermon writing antics read Paul's Blog But here is my blog, I've added stuff from my sermon, and updated the times. Enjoy

I've been driving on rural roads again but don't worry that isn't the metaphor I'm using again... yet.

In my car I have a Disney CD playing at the moment - blame Brother for that! I have a feeling there will be a few blogs on things Disney teaches me - I already have one in my blog drafts folder but today I want to talk about identity.

First thing I've learnt is that Disney films aren't nice. The Hunchback of Notre-Dame starts (I think, not seen it in ages) with a 'Gypsy' killed for running away to save her baby, who isn't cute... when she is accused of stealing. The story is told in the song and it uses the line 'one is the monster and one the man’, and goes on to ask ‘who is the monster and who is the man?’ The adult who killed the mother and the child. The former gives the child the name Quasimodo which means half formed.

The next song on the CD is from Aladdin, where the Genie renames Aladdin as Prince Ali. I like how the songs often link one to the next.

I think names are really interesting. I'm a peaceful ewe. One of my favourite youth work sessions explores who we are and what defines us, sharing your name with someone doesn't really tell them anything... When I was in South Africa I was British Rachel, as we also had an Irish Rachel. Yeah, of all the 18-30s women in Methodism Britain and Ireland managed to pick two Rachel's!! On Twitter I'm Rachic11 which doesn't tell you much but then I get a whole 160 characters to explain who I am, and in that you get - girlfriend,daughter,sister,friend,methodist,youth worker,HKS4MWiB,f&w studier, Views are my own.

So, how often do we reinvent ourselves?
I was at a coffee morning on Saturday that I have been going to for over 4 years on and off - nowadays only when I get a free Saturday morning. I wonder how different I am now to the nervous 18 year old who turned up her first week in the city. There are two brilliant old men there, the banter between them is so funny and somehow I often get into trouble (all in jest) when they put words in my mouth. Wonder if they see a difference in me.

I've also bought a new phone this weekend. I've loved my current/old phone and had it since my 21st, but Friday night, going in to a famous Italian food based hut ,I dropped it and the answer call button no longer works! So I've had to get a new phone, its similar to my old one, but definitely an upgrade. How I spend my money is a big way I show who I am, and getting the best contract for my money means I have the capability to be there for people online and to listen on the phone, and money spare to give to charity.

The other way I change how I look is hair and glasses. Though I noticed the other day that I bought the same frames for sunglasses both in 2008 and 2010. As part of my sermon I talked about how our clothes are part of our identity. I have 3 coats, my youth work one that I use for detached work and when I'm camping and need to put something over my pjs when telling young people off at 3am. Its waterproof. Then there is my furry on the inside thick winter coat - looks good with wellies. And third is my pretty summer coat that I was given for one birthday. It's great for a dry night out - but not if it's wet as its dry clean only. The sermon went into what the people were doing by laying their coats on the ground, their security and warmth - as well as identity - sacrificing part of who they to exalt Jesus.

Going back to the 'monster or man' idea I've recently been to see the Muppets at the cinema and that has 'am I a man up a muppet.' Now ignoring the fact I'm a woman, how do I want to be seen? I often joke I'd be a great evil genius if my morals didn't get in the way. And boyfriend calls me a muppet often.

Does it really matter who I have been, the name I've been given, or even who I am going to be (though all are part of who I am) but surely it's about who I am today. How I use who I have been to guide who I am and can be, and what do I need to sacrifice to exalt Jesus.

My Big Grandad

I get rather sad after posting a blog cos I'll sit for about 30 minutes and watch the stats page, seeing how many people are reading this, where in the World you are even sometimes whether your using Windows or if you're on your iPad. (My boyfriend calls me a blog stat bore.)

I've spent some time this morning reading through my 'Big Grandad's' sermons. Walter Harris was a Methodist local preacher. I don't remember him as a person, but I feel I have a connection to him. I hope he's pleased that his sermons have been given to me. I'm still waiting to find a Sunday that I have the same lectionary as he has used. He obviously loved Winnie the Pooh, as he references the character, he often uses poetry in his services and there are people to pray for in the worship booklets. He often preached on just one verse, and many of his sermon's are typed but some are handwritten on random pieces of paper - the back of agendas etc, things don't change too much. Like I said I don't know him, but I feel like I do.

I come from a line of preachers and ministers - mostly Methodist but with some Baptists thrown in for good measure. Within the 6 generations starting with me and going up in the Coates clan at least 5 have preachers in them. I'm the second of my generation, a distant cousin is a minister. That doesn't include Walter as he is my Granny's dad, or my mum and her side of the family.

I'm not sure where my life is going, or what is going to happen next, but there's a part of my history, my heritage, you my blog readers are my present, and though the way forward may not be clear now one day I hope my great grandchildren will be proud of me and who I was.

rural roads

One of the great things about living in a rural setting is that of the roads I get to drive on. When I first started working here I remember reading one of my churches’ website which said that the best route to our church is the first road after the junction, but you can go left on any road around there and you will find us. It’s the same when driving home; I could go a different route every day of the week. I get to see the sheep and count the number of times I go over and under the train line and the motorway. Keeps life interesting!

Our relationships are the same. We will all go different routes to different destinations. Some people have long engagements and that is right for them. We’ve decided to wait till we are ready to get married and have a relatively short engagement. So in many people’s understanding me and my boyfriend are engaged.

Today is a day that things are a bit upside down, and I thought about proposing. But as we aren’t ready to get married within the next year (well as far as I know) then it would be silly as that is not the road we have decided to go down. On my drive home from the local city I could turn left down 6 different roads. We aren’t just by the right junction yet, we could go down it, but it wouldn’t be right for us right now.

So we keep going down the courtship road till we are ready, it shouldn’t be about a day that only occurs once every 4 years – and to be honest I’d quite like to be proposed to, with a ring and a him down on one knee.

It reminds me of how we got together. There was a point a couple of months before we got together that we were close – I wondering what if we got together, but the time wasn’t right. We got to a point where we realised why are we not together – and that was the start of us!

So even though today is the day as a woman I’m ‘allowed‘ to propose, me and my boyfriend are still on our journey and have many pretty roads to see, sheep to watch and bridges to count.

who knows...

You need some background to this blog. (but you probably do know all of this)

I'm an adult. I'm on my second car, I have a full time job, and rent a place to myself. I pay council tax. I accidentally moved out of my parents house about 3 years ago when I got this job and therefore haven't been back for a long period of time since then.

I am also in a long term committed relationship (and no we aren't about to get married before you ask)



Today I had another chat about my future, this isn't unusual, my contract at work is coming to an end, and I'm now at a point where I get to make the next big decision. Probably as big as which Uni I went to. It's really lonely making decisions. Often its easy, particularly when it is just me - do I feel like rice crispies or frosties today? Which type of bacon shall I buy? But which job to apply for, whether to try and stay here, or move are all big decisions. My boyfriend isn't sure what he wants to do next, and we are kinda waiting for me to know where I'm going so he can plan around me - that's a lot of pressure on me! I'm not having a go at him, I'm just feeling a bit fed up about being constantly asked about jobs, marriage, where to live. I have some great friends and my parents are helpful but in the end its my decision - or is it?

Even when I do find the job that I think is perfect for me, they (the interviewers) may have other ideas...

Who knows - the Old Man in the Mountain does that's who!

Or maybe God. As much as I'm not sure where I will end up in 6 months time, God does. So I shouldn't worry, or obsess, as my time isn't God's time, and (s)he knows best. (that nearly rhymes, I apologise it wasn't intentional.)