Permission to be ourselves

 When did you realise it was ok to ask for what you need? 

I totally get there are times when it's important to accept what is put before you, but your happiness, needs and boundaries are important too.

About 18 months ago, when I was about half way through my full time training, I was sent on placement. One day I was having a walking lunch with the one of the clergy at the church. They made some comment like "I assume you are ok walking and eating, cos you'd have told me if you weren't, you don't get to this stage without being able to do that." 

No one before had ever given me that explicit permission to say what I need. Or at least expect that I knew that.  

I wonder how many times I've played nice to not rock the boat, and so much with food! We teach children the take it or leave it are the options at meal times, but also that a clean plate is a sign of being polite. (And also "earns" you pudding)

I even went as far as eating BBQ pizza when everyone knows you don't mess with the classic tomato base. And that was with a very close friend who totally wouldn't have minded, and didn't when I stopped eating it and explained, cos I realized if I couldn't tell them then who could I? 

So often we play nice when really those around us would much prefer to give us what we desire.

It's not just about food. There is so much in life where I know I've played nice, not rocked the boat and made myself uncomfortable in the process. But I have permission, and not given to me by anyone else but just because I'm a human with as much right as every other one to take up space and be authentically myself. 

I have lots of thoughts about when driving the motorway in my small car that I have as much right as the big cars to overtake and get where I want to and need to be. Just cos I'm (insert reason one might feel unimportant here)... small, young, new, female doesn't mean I don't matter. 

We just have to learn to give ourselves permission to take up space, and be our wonderful selves! 

If this were a sermon or a theological reflection there would be something here about us ALL having the image of God dwelling within our very being. And having that divine image within us grants us, as all of creation, the right to space and love and respect and to be known for who we truly are - beautiful creations of the almighty creator. Here ends the sermon.

So just incase no one has ever told you, know that you have permission to draw your own boundaries, to say what you need and don't want. And speak out, cos playing nice is all well and good but the world is a better place when you can be authentically you: a happier, healthier, more confident you. 

The importance of names

I do a tricky job, I'm on show most of the time, need to watch what I say and do, and who I am is a big part of that. 

I've asked at work to be called Rach. I've been doing this consistently now for 6 years and longer at 1 off events 

When I worked in the student world most of the time this really wasn't a problem but out in the adult world its apparently too informal, improper and people just won't. 

Now this isn't about the people who do it accidentally, they apologize, it's fine, we all slip into bad habits. 

But so many (mostly elderly) people tell me, "but Rachel is such a lovely / biblical name." Or "I can't call you Rach, I'm going to call you Rachel." Or best "I'll be the only one who calls you Rachel" oh I wish!

Then I check their name and it's short for something, or it's their middle name. But it's not the full name their parents gave them. 

And I smile and say that's ok, and make a joke about how formal we'll both be by using the full names, but generally call them what they asked to be called cos names are important and I don't want to be petty, I just want to be Rach.

I know it's not the end of the world, but respecting people enough to use the name they ask to be called by is important and respectful and it's never up to us to decide what we want to call someone when they have asked for something else. I know there have been times I've shortened people's names when they prefer the full version and for that I'm sorry. Cos it's not until I was regularly and purposely ignored that I really noticed how much I care about what I'm called. 

Let Love be Real

I'm in the last stages of preparation to be a probationary minister. In early September I'll be welcomed to my new circuit and I've been invited to choose a hymn for that service.

I wondered about come with me come wander (which fits September 4th lectionary well so I'm keeping that for then) or Come all you Vagabonds which has some powerful words of inclusion but have settled on Let love be real by Michael Forster (615 in StF). It's simple and profound and goes to Danny boy. Here are my top 6 reasons for requesting it.

1. "Let love be real" If the ministry I live out is about love then I've done good.
2. "Give me your hand" I had it at my wedding so feels like a good one for a place where Husband is to be welcomed too

3. "Give me your strength when all my words are weakness." It's full of powerful words, like this phrase which have been quoted by my best friend when I've been struggling with essays. I've sung them beside multiple people I love and are my commitment to my churches that together we find God's strength in one another.
4. "As God loves us." It's never about us, but first that we are loved by God. I'm so glad that my call to ministry is not about me, but about who God calls me to be - "make us brave to be what we might be"

5. "so let us love each other" There was a significant moment in April I was driving to the pastoral committee at my link church, at that meeting knowing I was leaving there were many moments I wanted to help but couldn't, yet on the drive over the travel news mentioned an accident in the town I'm moving to and my heart just went "that's my place to love." It's amazing after being matched with somewhere I hardly know I'd already committed to loving it.

6. "Just open hands and space to grow." I'm new, to ministry and have a lot to learn so hope this is a place where I can make mistakes and learn and grow, and the same should be true of the churches.Maybe also the line - "give me your trust when all my failings show" the Methodist Church is putting a lot of faith in me!

I look forward to what September has in store and singing that song with all its many meanings in my new circuit as together we learn to love in God.

Reasons I hate Mothering Sunday

It’s Mothering Sunday soon and I hate it.

I hate it cos I don’t have kids and its one of many Sundays of the year this is pointed out to me.

I hate that I hate it too, cos I love my mother, mother-in-law, and my grandmothers, my Godmothers and the other women (and non-women) who mother me.

I hate it cos when I say I hate it someone will undoubtedly tell me that I mother people in my own way and I don’t need kids, either biological or adopted to mother and that I’m such a nurturing character.

I hate it cos someone will undoubtedly tell me their miracle story of how they became a mother.

I hate it cos it means I hate flowers and every other day of the year I love being given flowers by people who love me, but these ones are look-you-don’t-have-children-daffs.

I hate it cos the church somehow thinks its important to have female preachers that day.

I hate it cos there are so many other reasons people struggle with it as well as childlessness and its rough on most of us one way or another.

This Sunday, thankfully I don’t have to go to church, but that is probably the last time I can get away with that. So I'll look after myself at home. 

Argh at Advent

 I’ve got a confession. I hate advent.

I hate advent cos its busy and it is all about a baby. Cos everywhere you go its images of happy children, pregnant women and just all the pressure of getting the right gifts and the best time with your perfect family. Now I don’t know about yours but my family ain’t perfect.

I hate advent cos there isn’t a day when I’m not reminded of my childlessness, this week we even celebrated the conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary – who I’ve learnt may also have been a virgin birth cos that is how she had no sin, who knew potential parents having sex was such a sinful thing – Augustine I believe, most things about the shame of sex are his fault! Or maybe its whoever invented original sin, oh wait, that’s Augustine too!

I hate the busyness and stress of advent, I have absolutely no idea what to get my husband as a present, mostly cos room is tight, cos we have the disposable income to buy what we want and need throughout the year and this year just like last buying experiences seems like they might be a waste – we still haven’t yet seen Rachel Parris from my Christmas present in 2019! (fingers crossed for attempt 4 and March 2022!)

I say all this knowing that I love Christmas, I love babies and I love Jesus. But argh the waiting and preparing is just a lot, don’t worry I’m going back to my essays now.

For my other blog about being childless at this time of year check out this link.

A go at some poetry

A few weeks ago I had to write a poem in class. It's a pantoum so actually made of 8 lines written twice in a pattern. It's a long time since I've tried to write poems and I was quite impressed how it worked out. 

I often wonder how minister me will be different

Cos she takes with her all of her past

She loves nothing more than to work with people 

The pastor, presider but also wife and friend

Cos she takes with her all of her past

Along with hopes for a future that may never come to pass

The pastor, presider but also wife and friend

The multifaceted parts of a whole

Along with hopes for a future that may never come to pass

She stands in the present with those that she serves

The multifaceted parts of a whole

The minister she's always meant to be

She stands in the present with those that she serves

She loves nothing more than to work with people

The minister she's always meant to be

I often wonder how minister me will be different. 

The jealousy and other emotions of non-motherhood.

I'm yet again in a place where I'm around pregnant women, and stories of motherhood is a common topic at college through my peers, staff going on parental leave and even the liturgy and worship.

I'm pretty certain it's the pregnancy announcement that is the worst part, cos pregnant friends are still my friends, just as friends with kids, though they have different priorities are still noticeably who they have always been. And I do love other people's babies, one of the real losses of the pandemic is not getting to know my friends babies born in 2020 as well as I'd want to.

And all the things in this blog are still true, I am incredibly grateful for having time to process a pregnancy announcement. And I'm learning trigger warnings in worship are such a good thing for all sorts of things.

But worship on motherhood, or a pregnancy announcement still knock me. Make me feel jealous, and then guilty for that jealousy. And just sad in my whole being. And grumpy oh so grumpy. It is sad that my first response is never the joy that a new baby to people I love (or just happen to journey near in life) should bring. I do get there, to the joy of this new life it just takes me a bit of time.
The initial ooft catches me unaware every time, though it really shouldn't by now, but you can't have a trigger warning for a pregnancy announcement.

I also know by being in full time training (And looking younger than I am - someone said I looked too young to be a wife last Sunday...) protects me from some of the "when will you have kids questions?" That I will need to find a concise, careful answer that doesn't bring my hurt to the fore every time.

What I haven't blogged about and don't plan to is why I've not got children,

1 that's personal,

2 it's complicated,

3 I don't think it matters for the rest of the content.

Right now not being a mother is more of a choice than its felt previously but if I could change all that I would. So all you need to know is one of my greatest longings is to be a mother.
Therefore I can't speak for those who actively choose not to be a mother, that's not my story.

Someone did ask if I had kids the other day, (after we'd talked about theirs so it felt a natural next question) to which I replied a simple "no" and they then moved the conversation on, that is how is should be.

I'm writing this because every time I say something I get someone (usually a mum) who will come to me and say, wow, I needed to be reminded of this and someone else who says I feel like that too, thanks for articulating it. And if you are either of those people and you want to talk more I'm here.
Some of you will share you I felt like that and "we got our miracle", I know you are trying to give me hope but it doesn't always come across like that.

And a bit of shameless self promotion my other blogs on this topic include:

The Child(less) of Christmas.
To my pregnant friends
What a week to be a woman
People who can ask if one hopes to be a mother