Selfish Marriage?

This morning I read a blog about marriage by Dr Kelly Flanagan. Which can be read here. It started me thinking.

It should come as no surprise to most of you that I am a bit marriage obsessed. I use the word marriage, though sometimes it’s the wedding I fixate on, I know the colour of the dress of my six bridesmaids, I know which songs I want to sing, I have even started noting things to add to my gift list.

This morning’s blog made me wonder if I want to be married for the right reasons. I’ve found a man who makes me happy, who makes me feel safe, who I think is very sexy, and I want to spend my life with him. When written like that it does sound selfish.

Debbie Macomber is one of my favourite authors currently, it’s her fault I’ve become obsessed with knitting. (Yes I get obsessed easily). She uses social media to continue the conversation in her books – I’ve blogged about her before on the MWiB blog, here. She recently shared a love story that of her parents and invited others to share theirs. They basically went, we met in a place, something happened, we got together and are still married so many years later. Now I could tell you how me and boyfriend got together, the first year of our friendship ended (a year and a day after we met) with us become boyfriend and girlfriend. But that is not really the love story. The five years since are more the story of us, than the time before we were together. The stories of the first time each of us said the L word are more romantic. Just so you know, He first told me he loved me when I’d driven for 5 hours to surprise him at the Methsoc Christmas Meal, and as I was preparing to drive off the next noonish time and he said those powerful, scary three. I remember being shocked, but am not sure my actual response. We said goodbye, I drove to the next village and rang my best friend! It was only a week or so later when I said it back. We spent time sitting on my bedroom floor, sharing secrets, and when I felt he truly knew me and still liked me then I knew I loved him.

Being long distance for most of our relationship has pushed and challenged us at times, but I believe has brought us closer together. We talk more, as that is our way of showing our love to one another  (love languages author Gary Chapman has things to say on that here). I believe it has made us stronger.  We did live in the same house for three months when he started his OPP job and hadn’t found anywhere to live. 

Though only just over a year ago it seems ages ago, and long distance during university –as it lasted longer – feels more of who we are.

So why do I want to get married? Dr Kelly talks about letting your walls down to let someone else in. For me that was how I knew I loved him, when I was vulnerable and knew he would still give me a cuddle and tell me he loves me.

I want to get married as I’ve found someone who loves me for who I am, who lets me be vulnerable, who cries when I cry and who goes all health and safety about cables as he knows it bothers me. [I’ve been informed that isn’t romantic it’s the law!] Someone who makes me want to be a better person, as that is who he deserves to be with. He thinks I’m beautiful, and gives me confidence. I know I do the same for him.

Is that selfish?

I’ve also made lots of big grown up decisions recently,  sometimes it would have been really lovely if I hadn’t had to do that all by myself. I also hate washing up, and am rubbish at cooking for one, but really loved cooking for both of us. 

What is a marriage about? Two people, deciding to love one another every single day. Through the ups and downs. My favourite part of the wedding ceremony is the promises made with the rings –

I give you this ring

as a sign of our marriage.

With my body I honour you,

all that I am I give to you,

and all that I have I share with you,

within the love of God,

Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

How beautiful. Giving all that you are, and sharing all that you have.

I don’t have answers. Maybe I am being selfish, maybe I’m obsessed as I think marriage will make me happy. Do I idolise marriage? I don’t think I’ve got rose tinted glasses on. I understand living with anyone isn’t always easy. I know that Boyfriend’s happiness is what I need to strive for, rather than my own, though in the same way he is striving for mine and nothing is really totally altruistic.   

Dr Kelly has an ebook. Maybe I should read that! 

Stop and apply handbrake – review of 2013

When you learn to drive you are taught the difference between give way and stop. The best way to show the examiner that you know the difference is to apply the handbrake at a Stop sign, to show you have come to a complete stop. Whereas at a Give way you pause, look and if it’s safe go.

At the moment life feels a bit non-stop. It might not be the case it might just be I’m focusing on different things and in my spare time I’m now knitting (something I learnt in 2013) rather than blogging and in my new job I’m driving less, and driving was my thinking-of-blogs time.

Looking back, each year is that bit different to the others, I’m not saying on December 31^st things stop and January 1^st other things start but there are definite treads in each year.

2010 was the year of five addresses, I graduated, went full time, and at the very end lived on my own.

2011 was the year things started. I got my passport and went to South Africa, MWiB came into existence.

2012 was the year of interviews – well eight weeks of it was anyway, with seven interviews squished in them.

2012 was the year I challenged myself to run 5K to complete my Grade 5 Music theory.

Then there was 2013.

                A year in two halves, the first eight months were saying goodbye, packing up. It was about half way through those eight months I was offered my new job. Subsequently the final four months of 2013 were hellos, fresh starts, and new challenges.

It was the year I left the first place I’d chosen to live. That beautiful little city where I went for university will always have a place in my heart. I loved living there and miss it and it’s people.

2013 I grew up. I bought a house, I got a mortgage, I learnt what a damp proof course, a retainer on a mortgage and all sorts of other jargon was.

2013 has also been a year when I didn’t go to things. I missed Spring Harvest due to it clashing with MWiB weekend – and actually my job interview. I missed Greenbelt because I was bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding. So both good reasons! Then I missed 3Generate – as I’m too old – but I was on local radio that Sunday morning. That weekend was also five year anniversary of me and boyfriend! That is a long time! Much of 2013 was spent as a short distance relationship, which meant dates to the cinema, art gallery and a new found love of Chiquito’s popcorn. (We also went to a very beautiful wedding with lots of driving as I didn’t realise how big Yorkshire is). Boyfriend has now moved far away – sad face. My best friend has also moved far away – in her case to the other side of the world – very sad face. I did get to go to the weekend of Conference in London, and Soul Survivor with my young people – playing the animal game almost constantly, was really lovely when they wanted me to play. The other great moment was when one of my young people mentioned my passion for participation – “you always let us decide together” - win!

One of the most impressive things of the year was the fact I managed to do my journal every day, something my Brother and Boyfriend both thought was way beyond me.

2013 was also a year of travelling. My trip to Italy to help plan the seminar there this June was a great time –well despite having my purse stolen. I got to go to Northern Ireland for the Irish Methodist Conference– something I didn’t blog enough about, but the President’s sermon about Joshua 3 has reoccurred in many of my own sermons. I got to see the theological college which is a beautiful place to study in. The whole Conference was God centred and prayer was a key aspect. I also got to see Irish Helen Kim Memorial Scholar J.

Soon after that I ran 5K in 36 minutes – 6 minutes faster than the year before and much helped by the Youth President’s fitness regime while I was in Ireland.

Then there was Paris. Part of my new job is helping with the Churches’ Scout group and in October half term we got to go to France and meet Minnie Mouse, we did get the ferry in the awful storms. Other parts of my new job include a toddler group, lots of different styles of worship and a very busy advent.

You will now realise that it is February, and we are already 1/12 into 2014. What does it have in store?  So far I’ve been trying to set up my pension, I’ve knit two snoods (one for me and one for Mum) and visited boyfriend in his brand new exciting job – see his blog here for more on that.

2014 will be another year of solitude evasion - finding ways of building community. It will hopefully me the last full year that I’m single, (like I had to put on a form the other day). It’s a year of more new experiences, running an international conference in Rome, and so far a year of three weddings, every year has had a different number recently – very clever of you my friends.

I think I need to pause more, to put on the handbrake, reflect what’s happened. So bring on 2014! Let’s hope it’s not as manic as 2013 but just as fun and action packed. 

I'm saying no

This blog post started out as a rant, it’s one that has featured in many a facebook status, but I hope this is more of a positive response.

There are many things I don’t like about the world: war, pain, abuse, ferries in stormy seas, driving on icey roads and the claim culture we live in.

Last year I had a car accident, nothing major and I was not injured at all. I repeat I had NO DISCOMFORT AT ALL! Mild or otherwise. However since that accident 15 months ago I have had a whole load of different companies trying to get me to claim this compensation that is rightly mine. This is where we disagree. Maybe I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face but not being injured I don’t believe I should get this money. Most companies are quite simple to get rid of, there are two lines that work well – “Are you suggesting I make a fraudulent claim?” or “Yeah, isn’t God amazing!” Though asking “Why?” often gets me passed on to a supervisor or gets the phone put down on me. One time I just said hello and I was passed to a supervisor.

Today however I had a lovely phone call with a guy called Dean from another of these company. As well as checking if I had kids and how long me and Boyfriend had been together, we got chatting about my views on the point of life and the claim culture we live in. He didn’t seem to get that I wasn’t  going to take this money as as a young woman why would I turn down £2000 (That was today’s amount, I’ve been offered anywhere between £1000 and £5500). He believed that life is about money. I told him I disagreed, he tried to put me off by suggesting that I wishy washingly believed that life is about love. Life is about love, but it’s the understanding of love that you have that makes a difference. I believe in love that cares for those around me, that puts my neighbour first. This led to a conversation about what I do in my local community and my training to be an ASL in Scouts, as well as who Bear Grills is.

It’s my morals that stop me from claiming this money. The way I was brought up but also the faith have led to my beliefs. I said I worked for the church and Dean said he was also a Christian (when I said now I bet you think I’m a religious nut) so I challenged him on this views on the importance of money and then we had a random bit about a catholic priest that stole money from the church. Dean decided to give up but told me he’d call back soon. To be fair to him I quite enjoyed the chat, he was quite cheeky but went though all the usual compensation stuff (like the money is already there for you so it won’t effect anyone’s premiums) with some new things thrown in (like shock can be counted as mild discomfort – I confused him by saying it had been amazing that I wasn’t injured, not that it was an amazing experience).

But I’ve already made up my mind.

I’m saying no because we shouldn’t live in a culture that means every accident automatically means money is put aside.

I’m saying no because regular pestering phone calls for 3 years are not acceptable but this way I get to share my message with any company who will stay on the phone long enough to listen.

 I’m saying no because the I want to live in a place that isn’t about what I can get, but about what I can give, where who I am is more important than the money I have in the bank.

I’m saying no because I wasn’t injured and I’m not going to make a fraudulent claim.

I’m saying no.

The best days of my life?

 My parents will tell you, with great embarrassing glee, that at the age of thirteen I told them I had the best day of my life when I got to meet Minnie Mouse in DisneyLand Paris.

It is often said that our school days are the best day of our lives. Now I don’t believe that. Not that I didn’t enjoy school. But life since has had its advantages. University was good fun and graduate life, despite being grown up and scary, has been a good.

It's a roundish birthday next week and the scary thing  is that I knew my Mum when she was this age. At this point I was 2 and she was pregnant with my Brother. My life and her’s have been different, I have a degree and she didn’t get her’s till later in life. But she was married and owned a house at 20, whereas I should have the latter at least this month.

I started my new job in September and my current phrase is “I love my job!” I’m not saying it’s easy, there are lots of people to get to know and learn the ropes (and knots) but this week at Scouts – of which I’m training to be an ASL (!) we had a chocolate fountain.

Last week I had truly one of the best days of my life. I was in Paris with the Cubs and Scouts, I exchanged on my house, we got a message saying some grant money had been agreed, we won the quiz at the centre after a camp fire with marsh mellows, songs and stories, and I got to meet Minnie Mouse!

Sometimes it’s the simple things that make good days!

Life is good, it’s not always easy and simple, but that doesn’t take away from the goodness in it.

So are these the best days of my life?

Love is 100 Blogs

So here it is, Blog 100. I have a number of things to say about Ireland, but that can wait for another day.

Today I want to write about love.

This is NOT an engagement announcement, don’t get excited!

But I do want to talk about boyfriend. We went on a very normal and ordinary date on Sunday night. Tea out at a TexMex kind of place and then went to the cinema to see Despicable Me 2 – ordering 2 tickets for 2D Despicable Me 2 is rather a tongue twister.

Boyfriend and I have been through a number of stages, we were long distance for almost 4 years, before the 3 ish months where we were house mates, as he took over my spare bedroom. And now he lives in the next city down, about a 30 minute drive for me or an hour on the bus for him. Therefore going on traditional dates is not something we often do.

Similarly I don’t do well eating food when stressed, I have an ex who never saw me eat in the whole time we were together. One of the ways I knew that Boyfriend was special was that I could eat in front of him.

I’m a bridesmaid at a wedding in the summer and was asked for some suggested Bible readings. So after a discussion on the UK Methodist Facebook group, and a nose through the Methodist Worship book I found a long list and knocked it down to my top three for that wedding. My fave gospel passage is that of when Jesus went to a wedding- how he turned water in to wine and the ordinary into the extraordinary.

One of the other obvious passages is the Love is....

What would you say love is?

I’m very blessed that when I went to A&E with chest pain last month Boyfriend (with only a small amount of pestering) came to sit with me and then bought me a subway sandwich.

To balance that this morning Boyfriend was feeling a bit under the weather so I drove over, with breakfast and drove him to work ready for his big presentation this evening. Plus he was in a smart suit – swoon.

I love the song by Paul Bell – What I call romance. It talks about the everyday things that make love work. You can listen to it here

Love is, just sitting together eating, looking after the other when they are ill, and having someone to watch kids films with.

And here’s to another 100 blogs.

The Long Goodbye

Today was another goodbye! You may recall a year ago I was getting ready to leave, started saying my goodbyes and then circuit meeting decided to keep me, I was called to stay. But now, I really am on the move.

I’ve been putting off writing this blog for ages. This is blog number 99 and I wanted 100 to be special which meant not writing the one before it as then the next one had to be something important. Then I got offered a job! Which could have been blog 100 but I hadn’t written 99! I decided this evening it was about time I got back in my blog seat and update you on what is going on.

Tonight was my last youth fellowship at one of my new churches. It’s a church I love to pieces. The members there care about the children and young people and I feel valued and loved when I work with them. It is sad that today was my last evening with them.

When I got home I found a card from a couple at the Church I live closest too and preached at last Sunday.  They thanked me for my service, the address as well as the choice of hymns. They wished me well in my future. At church this morning a few people asked me about when I was leaving, and were relieved they would see me again before I go.

The next few months are full of working, packing, sorting, and hopefully buying a house – but more about that another time.

For now I’m just starting to say goodbye, the beginning of the end of this six year chapter. Thank you loyal blog reading for journeying on with me as life changes and all seems to be new again.

And as for my new job, more on that in due course. 

Labels

Before I start I’m not exactly sure where the blog is going, nor am I really sure when it starts. You know they say a good story has a beginning, middle and end and at the moment this blog has a middle!

I’m looking after a number of animals this week. Now I’d not really describe myself as an animal person. People usually label themselves as either a cat or a dog person; as I’m allergic to cats I have to be a dog person, and actually this week I’ve been on two dog walks.

The first one was with my parents and brother and our dog. She’s become an old lady at 15 and can’t go very far, but it was very nice for the five of us to walk down the road to a bit of grass. Then this evening I took the two little dogs who’s names I can never remember / I’m not sure which is which so are generally known as black dog and white dog- or just to mix it up red dog and blue dog – due to the colour of their leads. I learnt its not easy with a dog in each hand when they want to go in opposite directions.

The news today has been talking about the seven social classes. You can find out what you are here 

I’m an Emergent service worker. Now I’ve never been particularly happy with being middle class, it seemed such a stalk contrast, but I know because of mine and my parents education I couldn’t be counted as a working class. Actually with the conversations about five years ago about giving youth work a professional status would mean despite its dosser image – well we all know all I do is play pool and table tennis -  it's actually equal to teaching and social work.

BBC Radio 1 Newsbeat were saying that the people on twitter didn’t think class was important, and I’m not sure it is, I just think it’s about labels. We like to label things. We like to know who is like us, who is different.  As well as finding new ways to describe ourselves.

My understanding of discipleship is based around identity. Matthew 16 tells the story of Jesus asking the disciples who people say he is, and who they think he is. It is Simon who declares “you are the Christ, the Son of the living God”. Jesus says, “You don’t know that, God told you that.” So the first part of our discipleship journey is about working out who God is – and it’s not about us, but how God reveals that to us. The conversation goes on with Jesus renaming Simon as Peter, and telling him that Peter means rock, and on this Rock Christ will build his church. So knowing who Jesus is, working out who we are in Him and then working out what that looks like in our lives.

Being a Christian is a way I describe myself. I’m not always proud of what is said and done in my name, but more recently the church is standing up for those caught in poverty by the governments plans –but you could read more about that in the wonderful Youth Pres’ (Hayley) blog 

I’m about to start job hunting again, working out how to label myself is part of the technique of making myself look good on paper, and then bring out the best of myself in interviews – as well as keeping it real!

Who am I? That’s the question I feel like I’m constantly coming back to. Do any labels really help? Can they really describe a full living human in just a few words. Who knows? I don’t.