The Ifs of right now

 I feel like life currently has a big if caveat. Or maybe more correctly lots of little ifs:

• If we aren’t ill
• If the government rules don’t change
• If I’ve not made too many other risky decisions this week
• If God and the Conference wills it

And most recently

• If the internet plays ball.

See its not just a covid thing for me. This is something I’ve been holding on to for longer.

Just over a year ago I started the candidating process. That is the Methodist Church’s discernment process for me and they to decided if I really am called to the ordained ministry – basically should I be a minister or not. Throughout the whole process I talked of the if, and when I didn’t it was implied. For so many things, any plans I wanted to make it was held in the IF of if this is God’s will, if I am right, if the church makes a decision the way I hope they do. I very much had to live in the moment, the now that we do know.

Many people thought they knew for certain this is where I would end up. When my Mum met someone who is part of the community where I am now training and said she was my mother back in the early spring, they said “Oh yes, She’s moving to Queens in the summer” when actually no one knew that for certain.

People assumed I was doubting myself when they asked about the next stage and I would say if I get through all these things, but I wasn’t doubting myself, or the process but trusting that it wasn’t on what I wanted alone but also the many ifs that hold the process together.

There were many moments when I thought and hoped that the ifs would be over. Once Conference had willed I was a student presbyter then I would know with more certainty what my life would be like, at least in the short term. However, candidating wasn’t the end of the ifs, because this process of discernment and formation lasts for many years to come but also we live in a pandemic.

In Early October I will for the second time this year not see Rachel Parris. In May they moved the tickets to October this year and just a few weeks ago we heard that our tickets are now valid for October 2021. These tickets remind me of the ever ongoing if, if we get through this and things can be more normal then hopefully I will use these tickets – and really extend the Christmas 2019 celebrations. But right now we have to live with all the Ifs and hold on to the now of what we do know.