Wednesday 19 March 2014

8-ish things I've learnt from my relationship

I should probably start by saying this isn't a Lent blog. So if you are expecting butterflies instead I'm sorry to disappoint you, but that will be written some point this week don't worry.

This blog started as a throw away comment to a friend after another all-to-regular phone call about my car accident about 18 months ago. My friend commented I was being amazingly patient, so I replied 'I was well practiced and that maybe I could blog, "how not having sex helps me put up with repetitive phone calls."'

You'll notice that is not what this blog is called but its where I started.

Let's start with some confessions.
  • As usual I don't have answers, just more questions. But I hope to share some of my wisdom I've learnt along the way.
  • Me and Boyfriend have been together 64 months and 2days today, that’s almost 5 and a half years.
  • I'm a virgin. As is Boyfriend.
  • There are probably many complex and deep reasons for the choices and decisions Boyfriend and I have made along the way that have got us to this point. I am by no means going to go into all of those, but here are a few things I've learnt, or what I think about things.



The L word is a big deal.

I blogged on this recently. This first time it's said it is a big deal, but it should continue to be. 'I love you' should be said as often as possible and with feeling. It doesn't have to be those exact words. For example when my dad calls me plonker at the end of a phone conversation I know he loves me.


Rules and boundaries make everything simpler in the long run

You may laugh but Boyfriend and I have a number of rules that make life simpler. Some are practical way of working long distance - if a phone call gets cut off for some reason the person who made the initial phone call is the one who rings again. The same works for setting physical boundaries - if you make them beforehand you don't end up being very confused and both getting each other's answer phone.
The important part is the communication to check rules still work. Early on it was easier to change rules, now it sometimes seems we do things because 5 years ago we thought it was a good idea. At the beginning we looked at what was ok for us then, and what we thought would be ok when we were engaged and then when married. I don't think 20 year old me thought we wouldn't be married by 25, but here we are. So revisiting rules and checking why we think and do or don't do certain things is important.


Love languages are so important

Having come across GaryChapman's love languages many years ago now, I think they show a lot about how we interact. The 5 languages are; touch, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service and quality time. Knowing both your own and that of your partner is vital to a healthy and stable love life.


Getting involved in their world

Trust is such an important part of any relationship. It can be more difficult in long distance. Jealously is something I've had to learn to deal with. Boyfriend has close female friends, one of the silly examples of when I've been jealous for no reason was just before my 21st birthday when Boyfriend was late home and I complained, only to find out, later, his friend was helping him print, cut and place the photo that lives in my locket I got for that birthday from Boyfriend.
My advice is become a part of their world; meet their friends, get to visit the places they spend their time, so you can picture where they are. Part of it may have been for selfish reasons, to warn others off, but mostly about seeing your partner in all that they are.


Patience is key

When people talk to me about patience, they sometimes mean sex, which I'll come to, but actually it's about other things for me. Waiting for Boyfriend to propose so I we can plan myour wedding. At the moment it's the living together that I'm wanting, someone to cook for, someone to come home to.
Long distance in itself teaches a lot about patience. We have been known to go up to eight (well somewhere between six and 10 we can’t actually remember) weeks without seeing each other face to face - technology obviously helps, but as touch is the primary love language for both of us, a skype chat, though lovely, is not a cuddle.
So I've learnt to be patient.
To answer my throw away comment, long distance, not waiting, is what has taught me most about patience.


Then there is sex

My mum's version of sex ed as I was growing up was "you'll wait till you're married won't you." It certainly wasn't really a question. So very early on, maybe even just before we actually got together we decided we'd wait till we got married to have sex. That was our decision for what was best for us. We have many friends who have taken different stances on this, and if that works for them then what does that have to do with anyone else. Though you are the one who's got this far in what is a very self indulgent blog about my relationship.
Maybe it's because I'm female, because I've had friends who are amazed Boyfriend has survived this long.
We aren't having sex because it's not important,  but because it is.
Maybe it's a pride thing now.
Being the good kids in a culture saturated with sex, is not always easy. But for us I think it's worthwhile. Part of  the decision is based on the belief that sex belongs in marriage. Yes the Bible teaches about adultery, which I read as sex should be within a union between two people, which is preferably marriage.


My view on marriage

For me, marriage is a journey, and on that journey different things are right at different times. In Doctor Who, the Doctor and River Song's lives are going in opposite directions. His first kiss is her last. After that in her lifetime was before that in his, so it was too early for him to kiss her.
Sex is an important part of the marriage relationship, and it has to start at some point. Facebook tells almost all of my friends, and man acquaintances that I'm in a relationship, a wedding will actually show less people my declaration of love for Boyfriend. But it's about the promises, to one other person forever,  in front of God.
In the same way we don't live together, and even when we did it was only for 3 months and we had separate space. Though to go off on that tangent, I understand the try before you buy mentality. When boyfriend moved in it was a decision and a balance between ethics and ideals with practicalities. It's good to know we can cope being in the same house though. 
Marriage is the whole package. Linking body, mind, soul, and bank account. Its making the decisions together, having someone to snuggle up with and watch a film after a rough day and someone to fall asleep in the arms of..


My last piece of advice if you can call any of this that, is be yourselves.
Be true to you and your relationship.


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